Don't you hate those times when you feel like you've overcome an obstacle, moved on, allowed God to change you, and then you fall right back into the exact same trap?
These are things which I call 'old chains'. Things that used to hold me back and stop me from finding God's best, but through God's grace, I was able to let go of. Sometimes they were mental attitudes, patterns of behaviour, emotions, compromising situations or even people. You realise that they're having a negative effect so you try and shake them off and maybe think you've succeeded for a while...
But then you stumble. You fall pretty hard. You realise the thing that tripped and grabbed you was an old chain. One you thought you'd thrown out a long time ago. It wraps itself around you and somehow inside you and suddenly you remember just how heavy it is.
Heavy with guilt.
With shame.
With lust.
With lies.
With self-loathing.
With regret.
With darkness.
With sin.
It pulls you down from mountain top to ocean bed.
You're not quite sure how you got here, but then you look back... A few wrong decisions, thoughtless acts, a step or two in the wrong direction and before you know it, you're running head long into the embrace of a sinful yet sickeningly familiar embrace.
It's not that they're comfortable, because believe me they are anything but. I think it's because they bring a disturbing safety. They're a known quantity.
I guess what my little trip to 'a-place-I-should-not-have-gone' has taught me, is that I am weak. Completely useless. Thoroughly incapable. Utterly ridiculous. Unbelievably naive. And gob-smackingly stupid.
The reason I fell back was not because God does not have the power to overcome, but because I never asked him to. In my guilt and my shame I believed the lie that it was my responsibility to remove the chains in my own strength. But that is simply not true.
God sees my wrong-doing and he loves me anyway. He knows where the chains cut in and soothes the wounds. He is the perfect healer and has all power to repair the damage I have done.
But this comes alongside my free will. I need to choose that I want God to remove these chains from me. In that one moment of surrender, He has the power to not only release but to shatter these chains.
'In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.' ~ Romans 8:37
I know it won't be easy from now on, but I know a God who can conquer anything and everything I will ever face with ease. He died to set us free and He lives to see us dance in this freedom.
I just need to ask him to shatter the chains that I've allowed to have a hold on me for far too long.
And then actually allow him to do it.
Sunday, 3 November 2013
Wednesday, 30 October 2013
Finding friends
Don't you just love those moments when people walk into your life and everything changes? You are just completely blown away by them. They glow and shimmer and you can't help but be drawn in.
You start to talk and laugh and confide and trust and share and grow. From those early moments you know this is going to be something good. Something so good it could only come from goodness Himself.
The more you learn about them, the better they get. They're the sort of kindness you aspire to. The brand of smart you admire. The type of funny that leaves you gasping for air. The kind of genuine that you fall into and never want to leave. Whatever shortcomings they may have are dimmed in the light of their goodness and Godliness.
Each one of them reflects different shades of the character of God. There's something so unique and attractive on fire in them, that you could sit for hours and never lose the novelty of knowing them. Every moment with them is precious and no amount of time is quite enough. You realise that whatever part they play in your life, or you in theirs, this was not an accident.
They don't care that you're crazy. That you frequently forget your coat or burst into song. That you could probably lose a few pounds or gain a bit of common sense. That you're hopeless and needy and wild. That things are tough at the moment. That you can talk for England about nothing and everything. That you don't understand politics or know many big words. That you try but fail to keep life tidy. That you wear your heart on your sleeve. That you're a little broken and a lot bruised. That you have a past.
Instead, they like the fact that you're quirky. That you have a real laugh. That your eyes don't need eyelashes to be pretty. That even when you feel gross you still look 'beautiful'. That you're passionate. That you're sensitive. That things matter to you. That you've learnt from your mistakes. That you're only just learning to be yourself. That you're trying your best.
They see potential in you that comes from the Creator. And they want to help you pursue that.
It slowly dawns on you just how much they have affected you, when you find yourself sat on a train, thinking about them and crying the happiest tears you've ever felt run down your cheeks.
It begins to sink in that you never want them to not be a part of your life.
And all you can do is praise. Praise the God that made them and placed them in your life. Praise Him that He has the grace and compassion and love and wisdom to know that even though you don't deserve it, you need people like them in your life.
You start to talk and laugh and confide and trust and share and grow. From those early moments you know this is going to be something good. Something so good it could only come from goodness Himself.
The more you learn about them, the better they get. They're the sort of kindness you aspire to. The brand of smart you admire. The type of funny that leaves you gasping for air. The kind of genuine that you fall into and never want to leave. Whatever shortcomings they may have are dimmed in the light of their goodness and Godliness.
Each one of them reflects different shades of the character of God. There's something so unique and attractive on fire in them, that you could sit for hours and never lose the novelty of knowing them. Every moment with them is precious and no amount of time is quite enough. You realise that whatever part they play in your life, or you in theirs, this was not an accident.
They don't care that you're crazy. That you frequently forget your coat or burst into song. That you could probably lose a few pounds or gain a bit of common sense. That you're hopeless and needy and wild. That things are tough at the moment. That you can talk for England about nothing and everything. That you don't understand politics or know many big words. That you try but fail to keep life tidy. That you wear your heart on your sleeve. That you're a little broken and a lot bruised. That you have a past.
Instead, they like the fact that you're quirky. That you have a real laugh. That your eyes don't need eyelashes to be pretty. That even when you feel gross you still look 'beautiful'. That you're passionate. That you're sensitive. That things matter to you. That you've learnt from your mistakes. That you're only just learning to be yourself. That you're trying your best.
They see potential in you that comes from the Creator. And they want to help you pursue that.
It slowly dawns on you just how much they have affected you, when you find yourself sat on a train, thinking about them and crying the happiest tears you've ever felt run down your cheeks.
It begins to sink in that you never want them to not be a part of your life.
And all you can do is praise. Praise the God that made them and placed them in your life. Praise Him that He has the grace and compassion and love and wisdom to know that even though you don't deserve it, you need people like them in your life.
Thankful for the changer
Having returned to my blog after a few months, I have found a few old posts that were lurking in drafts, not quite ready to see the light of day. Here is one such post...
'It was about to be one of those mornings when I wake up in the dark and the rising sun simply isn't able to shed light on anything.
It was about to be one of those lunch times where I eat at the desk because taking a break makes me feel useless and it's easier to power on through.
It was about to be one of those afternoons where the office feels safe, because the walk home is long, and means facing either the loneliness of solitude or the loneliness of rejection.
It was about to be one of those crying on the bedroom floor evenings that I never seem to be mature and world-wise enough to get rid of.
It was about to be one of those nights when I curl up and try to make myself as small as possible, because life was easier when I was small and someone else cleared the debris.
It was about to be one of those midnights where I lie in bed longing for my phone to show some form of life but it only shows the time.
But then I decided today could be different. Today I could focus on someone else for a change.'
And the best thing? I feel like I've come so far since I wrote this post. I have focused on someone else, and the climate has changed. The darkness has been replaced with light, and while it was slow and felt like I was getting nowhere, I've left that place of hurt and pain and reached this beautiful new place of freedom. There were several things that God needed to draw out of me and work on with me, but He did so all in His perfect timing.
I know I still have a plethora of flaws and things that still need shaping and moulding, but I've never felt as free and as passionate and as brave and as strong and as crazy and as close to God and as close to the woman He is calling me to be as I do now.
It's just the best feeling in the world.
'It was about to be one of those mornings when I wake up in the dark and the rising sun simply isn't able to shed light on anything.
It was about to be one of those lunch times where I eat at the desk because taking a break makes me feel useless and it's easier to power on through.
It was about to be one of those afternoons where the office feels safe, because the walk home is long, and means facing either the loneliness of solitude or the loneliness of rejection.
It was about to be one of those crying on the bedroom floor evenings that I never seem to be mature and world-wise enough to get rid of.
It was about to be one of those nights when I curl up and try to make myself as small as possible, because life was easier when I was small and someone else cleared the debris.
It was about to be one of those midnights where I lie in bed longing for my phone to show some form of life but it only shows the time.
But then I decided today could be different. Today I could focus on someone else for a change.'
And the best thing? I feel like I've come so far since I wrote this post. I have focused on someone else, and the climate has changed. The darkness has been replaced with light, and while it was slow and felt like I was getting nowhere, I've left that place of hurt and pain and reached this beautiful new place of freedom. There were several things that God needed to draw out of me and work on with me, but He did so all in His perfect timing.
I know I still have a plethora of flaws and things that still need shaping and moulding, but I've never felt as free and as passionate and as brave and as strong and as crazy and as close to God and as close to the woman He is calling me to be as I do now.
It's just the best feeling in the world.
Tuesday, 29 October 2013
Always.
There will be darkness.
We will not be strangers to hardship.
Pain is inevitable.
But God is good.
The plan won't always be clear.
It may feel like blind faith.
We will have to step in confidence.
But God is good.
There will be times when we sob.
The sorrow feels unbearable.
We would do anything to stop the tears.
But God is good.
Others will see us and smirk.
They'll laugh at our stupidity.
They won't understand what we do.
But God is good.
The ground will shake beneath us.
Others fall and never rise again.
Nothing is safe.
But God is good.
We'll wonder why 'not now'.
Impatience will become our master.
The wait is agonising.
But God is good.
The web of lies will entangle us.
It will feel unshakeable.
We won't see any hope of release.
But God is good.
We will be bound by our inadequacy.
They'll say we're not enough.
We never will be enough.
But God is good.
And just at the end,
When the going is gone,
we're bruised, bloodied and broken.
God is good. Always.
And even in the depths of the storm of fear
or the hurricane of lies
or the valley of sorrow,
I can declare his will above all.
Praise His name till the end of time.
Give Him the honour and the glory.
Know His love and strength.
Rest in His peace and power.
Revel in His beautiful freedom.
Marvel at His majesty.
Surrender all to Him.
Not because of me.
But because he is
just
that
good.
Always.
Monday, 28 October 2013
I do declare...!
Over the summer, I was challenged to make a list of declarations about the truth of who God is, who I am in Him, and how this truth should affect my actions.
I'm considering doing a short post each day next month about the meaning and significance of each one, but I thought I'd put them all up here now. It is so important to declare truth over ourselves, in an attempt to dispel the torrent of lies that the Devil shouts at us. Even when you don't truly believe it, there is such power in saying it and praying God would give you faith in each and every word over time.
Feel free to declare these truths over yourself as they are as true for you as they are for me:
1. I declare that I am mouldable to God's purposes only.
2. I declare that every moment of suffering is within God's plan.
3. I declare that I will follow God's calling as an individual, in harmony and communion with others.
4. I declare that I will strive to understand the cross deeper every day.
5. I declare that I am beautiful in the eyes of my creator.
6. I declare that I will bring God's freedom wherever I am.
7. I declare that I am washed clean by the blood of Jesus and therefore freed from guilt and shame.
8. I declare that fear has no hold on my life, for perfect love casts out all fear.
9. I declare that I will thrive, not just survive, through God's strength.
10. I declare that God is equipping me with everything I need for His calling on my life.
11. I declare that I will march forwards with God's shield and not disobey.
12. I declare that God is the ruler of my heart.
13. I declare that God will use me to do great things for His Kingdom.
14. I declare that I am open to hear God's voice and trust that He will speak.
15. I declare that I will bring God's peace that transcends all understanding.
16. I declare that I will daily live in the joy of Christ's death and resurrection.
17. I declare that God is always my number one priority.
18. I declare that I will take up my cross, so one day I may take up my crown.
19. I declare that I am not saved through works, but by God's grace alone.
20. I declare that God will provide.
21. I declare that God's plan for my life is infinitely better than my own.
22. I declare that I am willing.
23. I declare that God is stronger, bigger and more powerful than anything I will ever face.
24. I declare that God's spirit lives inside me.
25. I declare that every human being has inherent value from God and I will treat them as such.
26. I declare that I will treat my body as a temple.
27. I declare that I am dedicated to waiting for God's timing and provision before changing my relationship status.
28. I declare that I will live cautiously now, so as to reap the benefits in the future.
29. I declare that I am a warrior for the kingdom.
30. I declare that God has made me stronger, braver, wiser, and more valuable than I think I am.
Those are in no particular order, simply the way they came out of my head, which as many of you know, is a shambles! In spite of that, I pray that God will reveal truth to you through each of these and you will be bold enough to declare them in your own life!
I'm considering doing a short post each day next month about the meaning and significance of each one, but I thought I'd put them all up here now. It is so important to declare truth over ourselves, in an attempt to dispel the torrent of lies that the Devil shouts at us. Even when you don't truly believe it, there is such power in saying it and praying God would give you faith in each and every word over time.
Feel free to declare these truths over yourself as they are as true for you as they are for me:
1. I declare that I am mouldable to God's purposes only.
2. I declare that every moment of suffering is within God's plan.
3. I declare that I will follow God's calling as an individual, in harmony and communion with others.
4. I declare that I will strive to understand the cross deeper every day.
5. I declare that I am beautiful in the eyes of my creator.
6. I declare that I will bring God's freedom wherever I am.
7. I declare that I am washed clean by the blood of Jesus and therefore freed from guilt and shame.
8. I declare that fear has no hold on my life, for perfect love casts out all fear.
9. I declare that I will thrive, not just survive, through God's strength.
10. I declare that God is equipping me with everything I need for His calling on my life.
11. I declare that I will march forwards with God's shield and not disobey.
12. I declare that God is the ruler of my heart.
13. I declare that God will use me to do great things for His Kingdom.
14. I declare that I am open to hear God's voice and trust that He will speak.
15. I declare that I will bring God's peace that transcends all understanding.
16. I declare that I will daily live in the joy of Christ's death and resurrection.
17. I declare that God is always my number one priority.
18. I declare that I will take up my cross, so one day I may take up my crown.
19. I declare that I am not saved through works, but by God's grace alone.
20. I declare that God will provide.
21. I declare that God's plan for my life is infinitely better than my own.
22. I declare that I am willing.
23. I declare that God is stronger, bigger and more powerful than anything I will ever face.
24. I declare that God's spirit lives inside me.
25. I declare that every human being has inherent value from God and I will treat them as such.
26. I declare that I will treat my body as a temple.
27. I declare that I am dedicated to waiting for God's timing and provision before changing my relationship status.
28. I declare that I will live cautiously now, so as to reap the benefits in the future.
29. I declare that I am a warrior for the kingdom.
30. I declare that God has made me stronger, braver, wiser, and more valuable than I think I am.
Those are in no particular order, simply the way they came out of my head, which as many of you know, is a shambles! In spite of that, I pray that God will reveal truth to you through each of these and you will be bold enough to declare them in your own life!
There is always more...
Again, I'm not going to apologise for my incredibly long absence, but rather hope that some of you still care enough to read.
In the last month, I have moved to university and begun to allow God to build a life for me here. This has meant learning new disciplines, walking new streets, building new friendships, and discovering people that are such a humungous blessing to me, I actually just want to cry.
But beyond all of this excitement, nervousness, joy and turmoil...
There is always more...
I had no fear in moving to Durham because my daddy and best friend had gone before me to prepare the way and come with me to guide my steps. I am in no doubt that without Him, I would not have survived this whole ordeal.
In the low moments, He has been my rock. In the high moments, He has been my joy. In the crazy moments, He has been my calm. In the scary moments, He has been my comfort. And in every moment, He has been faithful.
I can't begin to explain just how much God has carried me through this experience, how much He has taught me about myself, and how much he has revealed to me of himself. But the most mind-blowing part?
There is always more...
As I grow together with Him, learning His ways, hearing His voice, heeding His warnings, following his instruction, I start to become more of myself. He is instilling in me passions and desires that cannot be taken away. He is calling me to love. To love until it hurts. To love until you feel like there is nothing left in you to pour out. But...
There is always more.
He is the bottomless pit. The overflowing of love. The ever-faithful rock. The always reigning King. The abundance of joy. The source of all creation. He is everything we could possibly imagine and yet...
He is always more.
In the last month, I have moved to university and begun to allow God to build a life for me here. This has meant learning new disciplines, walking new streets, building new friendships, and discovering people that are such a humungous blessing to me, I actually just want to cry.
But beyond all of this excitement, nervousness, joy and turmoil...
There is always more...
I had no fear in moving to Durham because my daddy and best friend had gone before me to prepare the way and come with me to guide my steps. I am in no doubt that without Him, I would not have survived this whole ordeal.
In the low moments, He has been my rock. In the high moments, He has been my joy. In the crazy moments, He has been my calm. In the scary moments, He has been my comfort. And in every moment, He has been faithful.
I can't begin to explain just how much God has carried me through this experience, how much He has taught me about myself, and how much he has revealed to me of himself. But the most mind-blowing part?
There is always more...
As I grow together with Him, learning His ways, hearing His voice, heeding His warnings, following his instruction, I start to become more of myself. He is instilling in me passions and desires that cannot be taken away. He is calling me to love. To love until it hurts. To love until you feel like there is nothing left in you to pour out. But...
There is always more.
He is the bottomless pit. The overflowing of love. The ever-faithful rock. The always reigning King. The abundance of joy. The source of all creation. He is everything we could possibly imagine and yet...
He is always more.
Friday, 5 April 2013
A decision.
Think back to a few months ago. Around November.
The time came for me to apply to university. It became clear through a series of little occurrences that I should apply for Theology.
I spent about a month finalising the ever-important personal statement, I put all my details in on UCAS and then I pressed the incredibly daunting 'send' button. My application went off into the world of admissions departments and there was nothing left for me to do, but pray.
Only a week after completing my application, I got my first offer from the university I was rooting for at the time. I was so thrilled and just crazily relieved that no matter what the other replies were, I'd had a positive response and therefore an unconditional place.
Over the next few months, a couple more offers came in. And then a week ago, I received my final offer, meaning that all five universities that I applied to, offered me a place.
I just feel so blessed and so proud of myself for the work that I put in and the way God rewarded that.
The thrill of the offers is starting to wear off a little now though because I have about a month's time to decide which of these wonderful universities to go to. All of them are amazing places with a good reputation and so much to offer me, but sadly I can only go to one of them.
I have been praying and analysing and asking and researching and making lists and generally deliberating but have come to no conclusion as yet.
I have, however, narrowed it down to three options...
Exeter
Durham
St Andrews
So please pray that I make the right decision and undoubtedly you will hear whatever that may be in a few weeks time!
The time came for me to apply to university. It became clear through a series of little occurrences that I should apply for Theology.
I spent about a month finalising the ever-important personal statement, I put all my details in on UCAS and then I pressed the incredibly daunting 'send' button. My application went off into the world of admissions departments and there was nothing left for me to do, but pray.
Only a week after completing my application, I got my first offer from the university I was rooting for at the time. I was so thrilled and just crazily relieved that no matter what the other replies were, I'd had a positive response and therefore an unconditional place.
Over the next few months, a couple more offers came in. And then a week ago, I received my final offer, meaning that all five universities that I applied to, offered me a place.
I just feel so blessed and so proud of myself for the work that I put in and the way God rewarded that.
The thrill of the offers is starting to wear off a little now though because I have about a month's time to decide which of these wonderful universities to go to. All of them are amazing places with a good reputation and so much to offer me, but sadly I can only go to one of them.
I have been praying and analysing and asking and researching and making lists and generally deliberating but have come to no conclusion as yet.
I have, however, narrowed it down to three options...
Exeter
Durham
St Andrews
So please pray that I make the right decision and undoubtedly you will hear whatever that may be in a few weeks time!
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