Wednesday, 19 December 2012

The Devil and his armies

So once again it's been rather a long time since I've posted on here. A lot has changed. Exams have come and gone, results and university offers have been received, meaning that decisions soon have to be made. I've moved to a new city all by myself, which has resulted in finding a new family, establishing a new home away from home, and settling in to a new life pattern and routine. And my recent dating life has certainly not been uneventful, but positively fruitless and depressing.

I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of today's post is... Maybe just to get my mind focused again. Or maybe just to procrastinate from the imminent doom of needing to actually get on and pack. Nevertheless, I wanted to post today, so post I shall.

I'm never entirely sure how much of my personal life to share on here. Mainly because I'm never entirely sure who's reading. But if you are reading then welcome to a very open and sometimes painfully honest space. I hate to be vague, because I know in my own experience that I'm always desperate to know details, but I'm not sure if it's always fair to the other people involved in my life to tell you everything. I'll try my best though...

Lately I've been realising just how much the devil sucks. Seriously, he's just the most horrible person ever. Literally. All these low moments I keep having where I feel utterly terrible, uncool, boring, weird, undesirable, ugly, fat, shameful, disgusting, desperate, pathetic, lost and forgotten are all because of him. Deep down I probably know that they're all lies, but on that 'just-below-the-surface' layer - the one that's hidden to most people but still scarily and vulnerably close to the outside world - I start to feel like maybe they're true. I don't know how it happens. One moment I'm looking like everything's fine, and the next I plummet down, sinking alongside the titanic and several other good-ideas-at-the-time. No, I don't think I'm bipolar, but it's scary what a drastic effect the Devil can have on my life and how much space I allow him to do damage.

There are those moments where I feel like they don't want to talk to me because I'm not cool enough, or that he cheated on me because I'm not unforgettable enough, or that he doesn't like me because I'm not desirable enough, or that I'm single because I'm too pathetic, or that I'm lonely because I'm too desperate, or that every hurt I've ever felt is somehow my fault because I'm too much or not enough.

All those moments are where I have allowed the Devil a little corner in the space of my mind, which he has filled with such fear and doubt and darkness that it begins to take over all the rest of me. And so he wins. And then I blame myself for that too. And so he wins again. And then I start to feel like it will always be this way. And so he wins again. And then I start to feel like I'm never going to be able to change this. And so he wins again. And then I simply let him win. And then he's won.

But there's more than that. There's more than the guilt and shame. The truth is, I'm not able to change that cycle by myself. I can never take down Satan and all his armies by supper-time, let alone by breakfast when I've already allowed him space in the form of 'I'm too fat to eat'. But there's someone who will always take my side, always fight my battles, and always, always win. He's more powerful than the Devil will ever be, and he loves me so much that he fought to the death. Literally. No matter how many little battles I feel like I'm losing, the war is already won, and that's what counts. When I get to the end of the day, that's what matters.

It doesn't matter that the Devil's armies have marched in and set a camp of lies, because He will storm in with the Sword of Truth and tear them all down. Every time I let my guard down, He has promised to be there to clear out the invaders and help rebuild all the fortresses. They'll raise a flag in His name, and though they may be attacked, they will never be destroyed. Ever.



So next time I feel overpowered and invaded, I need to remember whose strength this war is really relying on. Thank goodness it's not mine! If I focus on His strength and His power and His might, then I think the Devil would really be taking rather a suicidal risk if he thinks he can ever dig any trench in me again.

I guess this post found a purpose after all, so I will now present it with a title...!

God Bless x
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8 comments:

  1. Apricot19 December 2012 at 07:34

    It's such a shame you can't be more open, I go through exactly the same phases and it's reassuring to know it's not just me! Though your faith in God is inspiring, I have lately found myself doubting too much. Have you recently experienced heartbreak? xx

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    1. Eve19 December 2012 at 08:07

      Thanks for your comment!
      I know how you feel and it's easy to have doubts because you just can't FEEL God and we want that physical presence to reassure us and make it all feel more real. But I always remember the Breastplate of Righteousness. It's a piece of armour that outwardly allows us to live the right life that God calls us to however weak and insecure we feel on the inside. It means we can do the right thing until we FEEL the right thing.
      I wouldn't say it's heart 'break'. More like rather a lot of battering. I naively attempt to give it away desperately only for it to be rejected and undervalued, rather than allowing God to guard it and give it to who He has designed it to fit with :) xx

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    2. Apricot19 December 2012 at 08:47

      That's a good thing to bear in mind, but it's inside us that God sees no matter how we present ourselves outwardly. I think you're right though and the best way for strength is to go back to the Bible.
      And with your heart it is SO hard to wait and wait without wanting to give it to someone to flatters and likes you (likes you BECAUSE of the breastplate you have put up to protect yourself!)
      Please keep posting, it helps clarify me as me too! :) xx

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    3. Eve19 December 2012 at 09:19

      Of course! Sorry if I didn't make that clear. I just find it nice to think that God provides me with that breastplate so others don't always have to see just how vulnerable I am, while he is working away on the inside, restoring my heart and soul with his goodness, love and strength.
      Yes!! Waiting is such an active thing. It's just as much about saying 'no' to all the frogs (however tempting they may be), as it is sitting in your tower and waiting for your Prince.
      I will indeed. Thanks so much for your support :) xx

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  2. Gina19 December 2012 at 08:49

    I know EXACTLY how you feel! I just had a really similar time in my life, then I realised that God was in control and ran straight back in to his arms. Read psalm 30 it is AMAZING! So relevant, it made want to shout his praise! It starts like this: I will exalt you, Lord ,
    for you lifted me out of the depths
    and did not let my enemies gloat over me...and it goes on, it has that verse in it about joy coming in the morning. Good and honest post :) xx

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    1. Eve19 December 2012 at 09:22

      So glad you can relate! And thank for that encouraging bible passage :) Yes! Joy will always come in the morning when we've made it through the night and can finally see the light again! :D xx

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  3. Milla Ling19 December 2012 at 09:24

    I loved this post eve! So open, so brazen! :)You are totally not alone. I have felt similar things recently and I was like: why let it get to me? Stop feeling really down on yourself milla. And I try and convince myself, but it's really good to hear it when someone else reminds me that it's God's opinion that is the one that matters.
    Milla :) xxx

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    1. Eve11 January 2013 at 10:32

      Thanks Milby :) You are always such an encouragement to me and definitely a strong 'ally' in this battle! :D xxx

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