Don't you hate those times when you feel like you've overcome an obstacle, moved on, allowed God to change you, and then you fall right back into the exact same trap?
These are things which I call 'old chains'. Things that used to hold me back and stop me from finding God's best, but through God's grace, I was able to let go of. Sometimes they were mental attitudes, patterns of behaviour, emotions, compromising situations or even people. You realise that they're having a negative effect so you try and shake them off and maybe think you've succeeded for a while...
But then you stumble. You fall pretty hard. You realise the thing that tripped and grabbed you was an old chain. One you thought you'd thrown out a long time ago. It wraps itself around you and somehow inside you and suddenly you remember just how heavy it is.
Heavy with guilt.
With shame.
With lust.
With lies.
With self-loathing.
With regret.
With darkness.
With sin.
It pulls you down from mountain top to ocean bed.
You're not quite sure how you got here, but then you look back... A few wrong decisions, thoughtless acts, a step or two in the wrong direction and before you know it, you're running head long into the embrace of a sinful yet sickeningly familiar embrace.
It's not that they're comfortable, because believe me they are anything but. I think it's because they bring a disturbing safety. They're a known quantity.
I guess what my little trip to 'a-place-I-should-not-have-gone' has taught me, is that I am weak. Completely useless. Thoroughly incapable. Utterly ridiculous. Unbelievably naive. And gob-smackingly stupid.
The reason I fell back was not because God does not have the power to overcome, but because I never asked him to. In my guilt and my shame I believed the lie that it was my responsibility to remove the chains in my own strength. But that is simply not true.
God sees my wrong-doing and he loves me anyway. He knows where the chains cut in and soothes the wounds. He is the perfect healer and has all power to repair the damage I have done.
But this comes alongside my free will. I need to choose that I want God to remove these chains from me. In that one moment of surrender, He has the power to not only release but to shatter these chains.
'In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.' ~ Romans 8:37
I know it won't be easy from now on, but I know a God who can conquer anything and everything I will ever face with ease. He died to set us free and He lives to see us dance in this freedom.
I just need to ask him to shatter the chains that I've allowed to have a hold on me for far too long.
And then actually allow him to do it.
Sunday 3 November 2013
Wednesday 30 October 2013
Finding friends
Don't you just love those moments when people walk into your life and everything changes? You are just completely blown away by them. They glow and shimmer and you can't help but be drawn in.
You start to talk and laugh and confide and trust and share and grow. From those early moments you know this is going to be something good. Something so good it could only come from goodness Himself.
The more you learn about them, the better they get. They're the sort of kindness you aspire to. The brand of smart you admire. The type of funny that leaves you gasping for air. The kind of genuine that you fall into and never want to leave. Whatever shortcomings they may have are dimmed in the light of their goodness and Godliness.
Each one of them reflects different shades of the character of God. There's something so unique and attractive on fire in them, that you could sit for hours and never lose the novelty of knowing them. Every moment with them is precious and no amount of time is quite enough. You realise that whatever part they play in your life, or you in theirs, this was not an accident.
They don't care that you're crazy. That you frequently forget your coat or burst into song. That you could probably lose a few pounds or gain a bit of common sense. That you're hopeless and needy and wild. That things are tough at the moment. That you can talk for England about nothing and everything. That you don't understand politics or know many big words. That you try but fail to keep life tidy. That you wear your heart on your sleeve. That you're a little broken and a lot bruised. That you have a past.
Instead, they like the fact that you're quirky. That you have a real laugh. That your eyes don't need eyelashes to be pretty. That even when you feel gross you still look 'beautiful'. That you're passionate. That you're sensitive. That things matter to you. That you've learnt from your mistakes. That you're only just learning to be yourself. That you're trying your best.
They see potential in you that comes from the Creator. And they want to help you pursue that.
It slowly dawns on you just how much they have affected you, when you find yourself sat on a train, thinking about them and crying the happiest tears you've ever felt run down your cheeks.
It begins to sink in that you never want them to not be a part of your life.
And all you can do is praise. Praise the God that made them and placed them in your life. Praise Him that He has the grace and compassion and love and wisdom to know that even though you don't deserve it, you need people like them in your life.
You start to talk and laugh and confide and trust and share and grow. From those early moments you know this is going to be something good. Something so good it could only come from goodness Himself.
The more you learn about them, the better they get. They're the sort of kindness you aspire to. The brand of smart you admire. The type of funny that leaves you gasping for air. The kind of genuine that you fall into and never want to leave. Whatever shortcomings they may have are dimmed in the light of their goodness and Godliness.
Each one of them reflects different shades of the character of God. There's something so unique and attractive on fire in them, that you could sit for hours and never lose the novelty of knowing them. Every moment with them is precious and no amount of time is quite enough. You realise that whatever part they play in your life, or you in theirs, this was not an accident.
They don't care that you're crazy. That you frequently forget your coat or burst into song. That you could probably lose a few pounds or gain a bit of common sense. That you're hopeless and needy and wild. That things are tough at the moment. That you can talk for England about nothing and everything. That you don't understand politics or know many big words. That you try but fail to keep life tidy. That you wear your heart on your sleeve. That you're a little broken and a lot bruised. That you have a past.
Instead, they like the fact that you're quirky. That you have a real laugh. That your eyes don't need eyelashes to be pretty. That even when you feel gross you still look 'beautiful'. That you're passionate. That you're sensitive. That things matter to you. That you've learnt from your mistakes. That you're only just learning to be yourself. That you're trying your best.
They see potential in you that comes from the Creator. And they want to help you pursue that.
It slowly dawns on you just how much they have affected you, when you find yourself sat on a train, thinking about them and crying the happiest tears you've ever felt run down your cheeks.
It begins to sink in that you never want them to not be a part of your life.
And all you can do is praise. Praise the God that made them and placed them in your life. Praise Him that He has the grace and compassion and love and wisdom to know that even though you don't deserve it, you need people like them in your life.
Thankful for the changer
Having returned to my blog after a few months, I have found a few old posts that were lurking in drafts, not quite ready to see the light of day. Here is one such post...
'It was about to be one of those mornings when I wake up in the dark and the rising sun simply isn't able to shed light on anything.
It was about to be one of those lunch times where I eat at the desk because taking a break makes me feel useless and it's easier to power on through.
It was about to be one of those afternoons where the office feels safe, because the walk home is long, and means facing either the loneliness of solitude or the loneliness of rejection.
It was about to be one of those crying on the bedroom floor evenings that I never seem to be mature and world-wise enough to get rid of.
It was about to be one of those nights when I curl up and try to make myself as small as possible, because life was easier when I was small and someone else cleared the debris.
It was about to be one of those midnights where I lie in bed longing for my phone to show some form of life but it only shows the time.
But then I decided today could be different. Today I could focus on someone else for a change.'
And the best thing? I feel like I've come so far since I wrote this post. I have focused on someone else, and the climate has changed. The darkness has been replaced with light, and while it was slow and felt like I was getting nowhere, I've left that place of hurt and pain and reached this beautiful new place of freedom. There were several things that God needed to draw out of me and work on with me, but He did so all in His perfect timing.
I know I still have a plethora of flaws and things that still need shaping and moulding, but I've never felt as free and as passionate and as brave and as strong and as crazy and as close to God and as close to the woman He is calling me to be as I do now.
It's just the best feeling in the world.
'It was about to be one of those mornings when I wake up in the dark and the rising sun simply isn't able to shed light on anything.
It was about to be one of those lunch times where I eat at the desk because taking a break makes me feel useless and it's easier to power on through.
It was about to be one of those afternoons where the office feels safe, because the walk home is long, and means facing either the loneliness of solitude or the loneliness of rejection.
It was about to be one of those crying on the bedroom floor evenings that I never seem to be mature and world-wise enough to get rid of.
It was about to be one of those nights when I curl up and try to make myself as small as possible, because life was easier when I was small and someone else cleared the debris.
It was about to be one of those midnights where I lie in bed longing for my phone to show some form of life but it only shows the time.
But then I decided today could be different. Today I could focus on someone else for a change.'
And the best thing? I feel like I've come so far since I wrote this post. I have focused on someone else, and the climate has changed. The darkness has been replaced with light, and while it was slow and felt like I was getting nowhere, I've left that place of hurt and pain and reached this beautiful new place of freedom. There were several things that God needed to draw out of me and work on with me, but He did so all in His perfect timing.
I know I still have a plethora of flaws and things that still need shaping and moulding, but I've never felt as free and as passionate and as brave and as strong and as crazy and as close to God and as close to the woman He is calling me to be as I do now.
It's just the best feeling in the world.
Tuesday 29 October 2013
Always.
There will be darkness.
We will not be strangers to hardship.
Pain is inevitable.
But God is good.
The plan won't always be clear.
It may feel like blind faith.
We will have to step in confidence.
But God is good.
There will be times when we sob.
The sorrow feels unbearable.
We would do anything to stop the tears.
But God is good.
Others will see us and smirk.
They'll laugh at our stupidity.
They won't understand what we do.
But God is good.
The ground will shake beneath us.
Others fall and never rise again.
Nothing is safe.
But God is good.
We'll wonder why 'not now'.
Impatience will become our master.
The wait is agonising.
But God is good.
The web of lies will entangle us.
It will feel unshakeable.
We won't see any hope of release.
But God is good.
We will be bound by our inadequacy.
They'll say we're not enough.
We never will be enough.
But God is good.
And just at the end,
When the going is gone,
we're bruised, bloodied and broken.
God is good. Always.
And even in the depths of the storm of fear
or the hurricane of lies
or the valley of sorrow,
I can declare his will above all.
Praise His name till the end of time.
Give Him the honour and the glory.
Know His love and strength.
Rest in His peace and power.
Revel in His beautiful freedom.
Marvel at His majesty.
Surrender all to Him.
Not because of me.
But because he is
just
that
good.
Always.
Monday 28 October 2013
I do declare...!
Over the summer, I was challenged to make a list of declarations about the truth of who God is, who I am in Him, and how this truth should affect my actions.
I'm considering doing a short post each day next month about the meaning and significance of each one, but I thought I'd put them all up here now. It is so important to declare truth over ourselves, in an attempt to dispel the torrent of lies that the Devil shouts at us. Even when you don't truly believe it, there is such power in saying it and praying God would give you faith in each and every word over time.
Feel free to declare these truths over yourself as they are as true for you as they are for me:
1. I declare that I am mouldable to God's purposes only.
2. I declare that every moment of suffering is within God's plan.
3. I declare that I will follow God's calling as an individual, in harmony and communion with others.
4. I declare that I will strive to understand the cross deeper every day.
5. I declare that I am beautiful in the eyes of my creator.
6. I declare that I will bring God's freedom wherever I am.
7. I declare that I am washed clean by the blood of Jesus and therefore freed from guilt and shame.
8. I declare that fear has no hold on my life, for perfect love casts out all fear.
9. I declare that I will thrive, not just survive, through God's strength.
10. I declare that God is equipping me with everything I need for His calling on my life.
11. I declare that I will march forwards with God's shield and not disobey.
12. I declare that God is the ruler of my heart.
13. I declare that God will use me to do great things for His Kingdom.
14. I declare that I am open to hear God's voice and trust that He will speak.
15. I declare that I will bring God's peace that transcends all understanding.
16. I declare that I will daily live in the joy of Christ's death and resurrection.
17. I declare that God is always my number one priority.
18. I declare that I will take up my cross, so one day I may take up my crown.
19. I declare that I am not saved through works, but by God's grace alone.
20. I declare that God will provide.
21. I declare that God's plan for my life is infinitely better than my own.
22. I declare that I am willing.
23. I declare that God is stronger, bigger and more powerful than anything I will ever face.
24. I declare that God's spirit lives inside me.
25. I declare that every human being has inherent value from God and I will treat them as such.
26. I declare that I will treat my body as a temple.
27. I declare that I am dedicated to waiting for God's timing and provision before changing my relationship status.
28. I declare that I will live cautiously now, so as to reap the benefits in the future.
29. I declare that I am a warrior for the kingdom.
30. I declare that God has made me stronger, braver, wiser, and more valuable than I think I am.
Those are in no particular order, simply the way they came out of my head, which as many of you know, is a shambles! In spite of that, I pray that God will reveal truth to you through each of these and you will be bold enough to declare them in your own life!
I'm considering doing a short post each day next month about the meaning and significance of each one, but I thought I'd put them all up here now. It is so important to declare truth over ourselves, in an attempt to dispel the torrent of lies that the Devil shouts at us. Even when you don't truly believe it, there is such power in saying it and praying God would give you faith in each and every word over time.
Feel free to declare these truths over yourself as they are as true for you as they are for me:
1. I declare that I am mouldable to God's purposes only.
2. I declare that every moment of suffering is within God's plan.
3. I declare that I will follow God's calling as an individual, in harmony and communion with others.
4. I declare that I will strive to understand the cross deeper every day.
5. I declare that I am beautiful in the eyes of my creator.
6. I declare that I will bring God's freedom wherever I am.
7. I declare that I am washed clean by the blood of Jesus and therefore freed from guilt and shame.
8. I declare that fear has no hold on my life, for perfect love casts out all fear.
9. I declare that I will thrive, not just survive, through God's strength.
10. I declare that God is equipping me with everything I need for His calling on my life.
11. I declare that I will march forwards with God's shield and not disobey.
12. I declare that God is the ruler of my heart.
13. I declare that God will use me to do great things for His Kingdom.
14. I declare that I am open to hear God's voice and trust that He will speak.
15. I declare that I will bring God's peace that transcends all understanding.
16. I declare that I will daily live in the joy of Christ's death and resurrection.
17. I declare that God is always my number one priority.
18. I declare that I will take up my cross, so one day I may take up my crown.
19. I declare that I am not saved through works, but by God's grace alone.
20. I declare that God will provide.
21. I declare that God's plan for my life is infinitely better than my own.
22. I declare that I am willing.
23. I declare that God is stronger, bigger and more powerful than anything I will ever face.
24. I declare that God's spirit lives inside me.
25. I declare that every human being has inherent value from God and I will treat them as such.
26. I declare that I will treat my body as a temple.
27. I declare that I am dedicated to waiting for God's timing and provision before changing my relationship status.
28. I declare that I will live cautiously now, so as to reap the benefits in the future.
29. I declare that I am a warrior for the kingdom.
30. I declare that God has made me stronger, braver, wiser, and more valuable than I think I am.
Those are in no particular order, simply the way they came out of my head, which as many of you know, is a shambles! In spite of that, I pray that God will reveal truth to you through each of these and you will be bold enough to declare them in your own life!
There is always more...
Again, I'm not going to apologise for my incredibly long absence, but rather hope that some of you still care enough to read.
In the last month, I have moved to university and begun to allow God to build a life for me here. This has meant learning new disciplines, walking new streets, building new friendships, and discovering people that are such a humungous blessing to me, I actually just want to cry.
But beyond all of this excitement, nervousness, joy and turmoil...
There is always more...
I had no fear in moving to Durham because my daddy and best friend had gone before me to prepare the way and come with me to guide my steps. I am in no doubt that without Him, I would not have survived this whole ordeal.
In the low moments, He has been my rock. In the high moments, He has been my joy. In the crazy moments, He has been my calm. In the scary moments, He has been my comfort. And in every moment, He has been faithful.
I can't begin to explain just how much God has carried me through this experience, how much He has taught me about myself, and how much he has revealed to me of himself. But the most mind-blowing part?
There is always more...
As I grow together with Him, learning His ways, hearing His voice, heeding His warnings, following his instruction, I start to become more of myself. He is instilling in me passions and desires that cannot be taken away. He is calling me to love. To love until it hurts. To love until you feel like there is nothing left in you to pour out. But...
There is always more.
He is the bottomless pit. The overflowing of love. The ever-faithful rock. The always reigning King. The abundance of joy. The source of all creation. He is everything we could possibly imagine and yet...
He is always more.
In the last month, I have moved to university and begun to allow God to build a life for me here. This has meant learning new disciplines, walking new streets, building new friendships, and discovering people that are such a humungous blessing to me, I actually just want to cry.
But beyond all of this excitement, nervousness, joy and turmoil...
There is always more...
I had no fear in moving to Durham because my daddy and best friend had gone before me to prepare the way and come with me to guide my steps. I am in no doubt that without Him, I would not have survived this whole ordeal.
In the low moments, He has been my rock. In the high moments, He has been my joy. In the crazy moments, He has been my calm. In the scary moments, He has been my comfort. And in every moment, He has been faithful.
I can't begin to explain just how much God has carried me through this experience, how much He has taught me about myself, and how much he has revealed to me of himself. But the most mind-blowing part?
There is always more...
As I grow together with Him, learning His ways, hearing His voice, heeding His warnings, following his instruction, I start to become more of myself. He is instilling in me passions and desires that cannot be taken away. He is calling me to love. To love until it hurts. To love until you feel like there is nothing left in you to pour out. But...
There is always more.
He is the bottomless pit. The overflowing of love. The ever-faithful rock. The always reigning King. The abundance of joy. The source of all creation. He is everything we could possibly imagine and yet...
He is always more.
Friday 5 April 2013
A decision.
Think back to a few months ago. Around November.
The time came for me to apply to university. It became clear through a series of little occurrences that I should apply for Theology.
I spent about a month finalising the ever-important personal statement, I put all my details in on UCAS and then I pressed the incredibly daunting 'send' button. My application went off into the world of admissions departments and there was nothing left for me to do, but pray.
Only a week after completing my application, I got my first offer from the university I was rooting for at the time. I was so thrilled and just crazily relieved that no matter what the other replies were, I'd had a positive response and therefore an unconditional place.
Over the next few months, a couple more offers came in. And then a week ago, I received my final offer, meaning that all five universities that I applied to, offered me a place.
I just feel so blessed and so proud of myself for the work that I put in and the way God rewarded that.
The thrill of the offers is starting to wear off a little now though because I have about a month's time to decide which of these wonderful universities to go to. All of them are amazing places with a good reputation and so much to offer me, but sadly I can only go to one of them.
I have been praying and analysing and asking and researching and making lists and generally deliberating but have come to no conclusion as yet.
I have, however, narrowed it down to three options...
Exeter
Durham
St Andrews
So please pray that I make the right decision and undoubtedly you will hear whatever that may be in a few weeks time!
The time came for me to apply to university. It became clear through a series of little occurrences that I should apply for Theology.
I spent about a month finalising the ever-important personal statement, I put all my details in on UCAS and then I pressed the incredibly daunting 'send' button. My application went off into the world of admissions departments and there was nothing left for me to do, but pray.
Only a week after completing my application, I got my first offer from the university I was rooting for at the time. I was so thrilled and just crazily relieved that no matter what the other replies were, I'd had a positive response and therefore an unconditional place.
Over the next few months, a couple more offers came in. And then a week ago, I received my final offer, meaning that all five universities that I applied to, offered me a place.
I just feel so blessed and so proud of myself for the work that I put in and the way God rewarded that.
The thrill of the offers is starting to wear off a little now though because I have about a month's time to decide which of these wonderful universities to go to. All of them are amazing places with a good reputation and so much to offer me, but sadly I can only go to one of them.
I have been praying and analysing and asking and researching and making lists and generally deliberating but have come to no conclusion as yet.
I have, however, narrowed it down to three options...
Exeter
Durham
St Andrews
So please pray that I make the right decision and undoubtedly you will hear whatever that may be in a few weeks time!
Sunday 24 March 2013
Run.
I want to go.
I want to stay.
I want to sing.
I want to be silent.
I want to take photos.
I want to forget.
I want to travel.
I want to be home.
I want to be lost in the crowd.
I want to be found in a storm.
I want to be soaked in the rain.
I want to snuggle in the warm.
I want to make music.
I want to listen.
I want to fly.
I want to stay grounded.
I want to love fearlessly.
I want to be safe.
I want time to stand still.
I want to be older.
I want to create.
I want to be.
I want to find myself.
I want to be someone else.
I want to be a mother.
I want to stay a child.
I want to hibernate.
I want to feel alive.
I want to grow.
I want to stay comfortable.
I want to run.
I want to catch my breath.
I am a living, breathing, eating, sleeping, thinking, walking, dreaming, laughing, singing, surviving, longing, despairing contradiction.
I want to stay.
I want to sing.
I want to be silent.
I want to take photos.
I want to forget.
I want to travel.
I want to be home.
I want to be lost in the crowd.
I want to be found in a storm.
I want to be soaked in the rain.
I want to snuggle in the warm.
I want to make music.
I want to listen.
I want to fly.
I want to stay grounded.
I want to love fearlessly.
I want to be safe.
I want time to stand still.
I want to be older.
I want to create.
I want to be.
I want to find myself.
I want to be someone else.
I want to be a mother.
I want to stay a child.
I want to hibernate.
I want to feel alive.
I want to grow.
I want to stay comfortable.
I want to run.
I want to catch my breath.
I am a living, breathing, eating, sleeping, thinking, walking, dreaming, laughing, singing, surviving, longing, despairing contradiction.
On receiving troublesome news...
Me: Why is this happening? I don't understand.
God: ...
Me: I thought we were on the same team and you know how much I like him, but I don't get why you're letting this happen. This hurts. I want him to be with me, not her.
God: I have better for you.
Me: But it doesn't get any better than him.
God: Do you not know me?!
Me: *speechless*
Kind of like being hit by a train, hearing that someone you still like is in a new relationship now really hurts. You see it coming from miles off. You hear the rumble in the tracks beneath you and you know you should move on but for some suicidal reason you decide to stay. You feel like maybe you can stop the inevitable.
The lights blare at you and everyone on the platform is screaming at you to move, but you're so numb that you can't. You've been there so long that you don't remember what anything else feels like. In some sick way, maybe the impact would remind you that you are alive.
You stare it down feeling nothing and everything all at once. Indifference and agony become one all-encompassing emotion. You try so hard not to care, but everything inside you wants to scream at the oncoming mass. Scream that this is revenge. Scream that he deserves to know how much it hurts. Scream that you don't want to live under his control. Scream that you want him gone from your life. Scream that it's his fault if you get hurt.
But the irony is that I am stood in his way, not he in mine.
I am the one that will be hurt.
I am the woman on the tracks.
I am the self-fulfilling prophesy.
I am the emotionally suicidal.
I am the one who can't move on.
I am the train wreck.
God: ...
Me: I thought we were on the same team and you know how much I like him, but I don't get why you're letting this happen. This hurts. I want him to be with me, not her.
God: I have better for you.
Me: But it doesn't get any better than him.
God: Do you not know me?!
Me: *speechless*
Kind of like being hit by a train, hearing that someone you still like is in a new relationship now really hurts. You see it coming from miles off. You hear the rumble in the tracks beneath you and you know you should move on but for some suicidal reason you decide to stay. You feel like maybe you can stop the inevitable.
The lights blare at you and everyone on the platform is screaming at you to move, but you're so numb that you can't. You've been there so long that you don't remember what anything else feels like. In some sick way, maybe the impact would remind you that you are alive.
You stare it down feeling nothing and everything all at once. Indifference and agony become one all-encompassing emotion. You try so hard not to care, but everything inside you wants to scream at the oncoming mass. Scream that this is revenge. Scream that he deserves to know how much it hurts. Scream that you don't want to live under his control. Scream that you want him gone from your life. Scream that it's his fault if you get hurt.
But the irony is that I am stood in his way, not he in mine.
I am the one that will be hurt.
I am the woman on the tracks.
I am the self-fulfilling prophesy.
I am the emotionally suicidal.
I am the one who can't move on.
I am the train wreck.
Friday 22 March 2013
Finding my get-up-and-go.
I can only apologise once again and pray you don't hate me because I have been such a terrible blogger recently.
With that out of the way, there's been something that's been a common theme to my life for the last few weeks. Maybe it's down to the fact that I've given up a ridiculous amount for Lent this year - Alcohol, meat, chocolate and TEA - but I've just been feeling ridiculously tired and lethargic.
My get-up-and-go has got up and gone!
I've had a couple of mornings off and all I've mustered the strength to do is watch some movies, maybe put a wash on, or make a bowl of cereal. I have had these grand plans to use my free time to continue working on my quilt, or to start making something with the beautiful vintage map fabric I finally found the other day. But alas, I have remained in my bed, not bothering to open the curtains, and living a life that of boredom and decided unproductiveness.
I did go for two runs last week, which is incredibly shocking because I can honestly say I have done no exercise since I left school last June. It felt good to go out and do something, but then I got back and flopped and all energy was gone.
My week is normally consumed by work and church activities and it has been so lovely to have some down-time. BEd feels safe and cosy when it's raining and I've started to get burn-out from everything else. But I've had my rest and now I think it's time for me to get up and do something worthwhile with my time. Even if it's solely for the purpose of blogging about it later.
I leave you with a photo of the poor three people who have to spend their days with me in the office. I present to you, my fellow YMCA interns...
And now I must dare to leave the house...!
With that out of the way, there's been something that's been a common theme to my life for the last few weeks. Maybe it's down to the fact that I've given up a ridiculous amount for Lent this year - Alcohol, meat, chocolate and TEA - but I've just been feeling ridiculously tired and lethargic.
My get-up-and-go has got up and gone!
I've had a couple of mornings off and all I've mustered the strength to do is watch some movies, maybe put a wash on, or make a bowl of cereal. I have had these grand plans to use my free time to continue working on my quilt, or to start making something with the beautiful vintage map fabric I finally found the other day. But alas, I have remained in my bed, not bothering to open the curtains, and living a life that of boredom and decided unproductiveness.
I did go for two runs last week, which is incredibly shocking because I can honestly say I have done no exercise since I left school last June. It felt good to go out and do something, but then I got back and flopped and all energy was gone.
My week is normally consumed by work and church activities and it has been so lovely to have some down-time. BEd feels safe and cosy when it's raining and I've started to get burn-out from everything else. But I've had my rest and now I think it's time for me to get up and do something worthwhile with my time. Even if it's solely for the purpose of blogging about it later.
I leave you with a photo of the poor three people who have to spend their days with me in the office. I present to you, my fellow YMCA interns...
And now I must dare to leave the house...!
Saturday 23 February 2013
Because I like pretty things...
Sorry I've been away for a little while, beautiful people.
I have no real excuse, I'm afraid.
I have been house-sitting for the past couple of weeks. One week to go. It has been quite a journey of overcoming fears, both of loneliness and chickens.
But maybe that's a story for another time...
Back to the title of this blog.
I always thought that Pinterest was a little bit of a fad. Others joined, and I observed a little, but I never really got it.
Then a lady in the office brought it up the other day and asked if I had it. She was shocked when I said 'No' and then went on a 5-minute rave about how much I would 'love' it and how it would be 'just your kind of thing'.
So with curiosity oozing up to my earlobes, I tentatively took another look... I found the site, which wasn't hard, and made myself a little account.
And then I fell in love.
So here it is. My little collection of pretty things...
imevelynfrances
Why don't you take a little look?
I have no real excuse, I'm afraid.
I have been house-sitting for the past couple of weeks. One week to go. It has been quite a journey of overcoming fears, both of loneliness and chickens.
But maybe that's a story for another time...
Back to the title of this blog.
I always thought that Pinterest was a little bit of a fad. Others joined, and I observed a little, but I never really got it.
Then a lady in the office brought it up the other day and asked if I had it. She was shocked when I said 'No' and then went on a 5-minute rave about how much I would 'love' it and how it would be 'just your kind of thing'.
So with curiosity oozing up to my earlobes, I tentatively took another look... I found the site, which wasn't hard, and made myself a little account.
And then I fell in love.
So here it is. My little collection of pretty things...
imevelynfrances
Why don't you take a little look?
Friday 8 February 2013
A Letter to my Readers - In which I try not to sound like a creep...
Dear Readers,
Firstly, I love you. Each and every one of you. I know there really aren't many of you, probably not more than a handful, or maybe just one or two, but I know you're there.
But next, I apologise to you. I'm not really sure what you must think of me. You get to see the things that I don't share with many people. The things I mull over for a while and suddenly the words come together and it finally feels complete enough to put out to the rest of the world because it looks ordered and it makes sense and it feels neat. But also the really terrible things where I write in a flurry and the tears stream and my fingers quiver and everything just falls off-centre as fears and aches and desires and joys and passions and heartbreaks become sentences, however disjointed, and the keyboard tremours and you dare to read the child of this mania.
So the 'sorry' is for the fact that you may now need therapy. I'm ok with what goes on in my head because it's been happening for a few years now. But I can imagine it must be pretty daunting for a newbie.
You didn't used to appear as people to me. You were just simple stats on a page. I know what country you view from and what type of computer you have. And then you're just a blank. An empty shell of a reader. I used to find this frustrating. I wanted to see you and know you. I got so caught up in wanting you to respond, that I stopped writing for a while.
But now things are different. Now you enchant me. I can see you with your cup of tea. A little sip between a sentence here and a paragraph there. You find me humorous maybe, a little too over the top, but entertaining to read. You've decided to read out of curiosity. And you find me curious. I'm not quite how you expected me to be. But you keep reading. Maybe you even think I actually say something of value. That surprises me, but if that's what you're getting from here then I'm thrilled.
Maybe I know who you are in real life. Maybe I really don't. But I like you.
I like you for who you can be in my mind. You can be the friend that's just catching up on missed times. You can be the inquisitive Facebook friend that found this little place of mine from a past link. You can be the one I aimed a few of my posts to. You can be the man that I hope reads this, because there's so much I wish he knew. You can be the stranger that stumbled across here and may never return.
But really I don't care who you are. I don't care if you're male or female. 1 or 100. Black or White. English or American. French or Italian. A Mac user or a PC user. A Christian or an Atheist. A Muslim or a Hindu. A morning person or a night owl. A friend or a stranger.
I just care that you're here.
So thank you.
Eve
Firstly, I love you. Each and every one of you. I know there really aren't many of you, probably not more than a handful, or maybe just one or two, but I know you're there.
But next, I apologise to you. I'm not really sure what you must think of me. You get to see the things that I don't share with many people. The things I mull over for a while and suddenly the words come together and it finally feels complete enough to put out to the rest of the world because it looks ordered and it makes sense and it feels neat. But also the really terrible things where I write in a flurry and the tears stream and my fingers quiver and everything just falls off-centre as fears and aches and desires and joys and passions and heartbreaks become sentences, however disjointed, and the keyboard tremours and you dare to read the child of this mania.
So the 'sorry' is for the fact that you may now need therapy. I'm ok with what goes on in my head because it's been happening for a few years now. But I can imagine it must be pretty daunting for a newbie.
You didn't used to appear as people to me. You were just simple stats on a page. I know what country you view from and what type of computer you have. And then you're just a blank. An empty shell of a reader. I used to find this frustrating. I wanted to see you and know you. I got so caught up in wanting you to respond, that I stopped writing for a while.
But now things are different. Now you enchant me. I can see you with your cup of tea. A little sip between a sentence here and a paragraph there. You find me humorous maybe, a little too over the top, but entertaining to read. You've decided to read out of curiosity. And you find me curious. I'm not quite how you expected me to be. But you keep reading. Maybe you even think I actually say something of value. That surprises me, but if that's what you're getting from here then I'm thrilled.
Maybe I know who you are in real life. Maybe I really don't. But I like you.
I like you for who you can be in my mind. You can be the friend that's just catching up on missed times. You can be the inquisitive Facebook friend that found this little place of mine from a past link. You can be the one I aimed a few of my posts to. You can be the man that I hope reads this, because there's so much I wish he knew. You can be the stranger that stumbled across here and may never return.
But really I don't care who you are. I don't care if you're male or female. 1 or 100. Black or White. English or American. French or Italian. A Mac user or a PC user. A Christian or an Atheist. A Muslim or a Hindu. A morning person or a night owl. A friend or a stranger.
I just care that you're here.
So thank you.
Eve
Thursday 7 February 2013
The Curse of Honesty...
This post also has several alternative titles...
1. The thing about not having boundaries
2. Praying for secrecy
3. Open Heart, Open Mouth, Open Wounds
4. Why I can't keep my gob shut.
As you may be able to tell, there's rather a lot going on in my head right now.
I'm a brutally honest person. Brutally BRUTALLY honest. Every time I have a conversation with someone the metaphorical landscape of our dialogue just looks like absolute carnage. I'm pretty sure my normal conversation actually scares people. For most people, 'How are you?' has never been met with quite so much heart-pouring explicitness before. But this is only one way.
This probably sounds really self-obsessed, but I have some weird kind of mental addiction with telling everyone everything about my life.
There you go. I said it. It is an addiction.
I don't know what I'm hooked on in particular though... Maybe it's the risk? The adrenaline rush as you suddenly admit some dreadful secret to someone that has become a trusted friend. Or the drama? When you have so much on your mind and you bump into someone you vaguely know and suddenly completely decimate them with a truckload of over-sharing. Or simply the need to find that one person I can share everything with? But I have found Him. And I don't.
That little filter that most people have between brain and mouth is just completely missing with me. If I trust people then I'll just go right out and tell them everything. You may be reading this and thinking 'What on earth is so bad about honesty? Surely having no boundaries is a good way to make and sustain good, healthy friendships?'
I'll tell you what's so bad about not having any boundaries...
You can never keep track of who knows what. And I sit here now and just think WHY did I tell that person about that. Even though they may not mean to, it's only really a matter of time before one of the many people I have told accidentally brings it up at the wrong time or hints too much. Then suddenly my cover is blown. The game is over. The person finds out. And my world implodes.
One slight slip of the tongue could so easily cause a whole plethora of other issues for me.
Honesty hurts. And the worst part? I only have myself to blame.
Yes, I am feeling rather upset with myself right now.
1. The thing about not having boundaries
2. Praying for secrecy
3. Open Heart, Open Mouth, Open Wounds
4. Why I can't keep my gob shut.
As you may be able to tell, there's rather a lot going on in my head right now.
I'm a brutally honest person. Brutally BRUTALLY honest. Every time I have a conversation with someone the metaphorical landscape of our dialogue just looks like absolute carnage. I'm pretty sure my normal conversation actually scares people. For most people, 'How are you?' has never been met with quite so much heart-pouring explicitness before. But this is only one way.
This probably sounds really self-obsessed, but I have some weird kind of mental addiction with telling everyone everything about my life.
There you go. I said it. It is an addiction.
I don't know what I'm hooked on in particular though... Maybe it's the risk? The adrenaline rush as you suddenly admit some dreadful secret to someone that has become a trusted friend. Or the drama? When you have so much on your mind and you bump into someone you vaguely know and suddenly completely decimate them with a truckload of over-sharing. Or simply the need to find that one person I can share everything with? But I have found Him. And I don't.
That little filter that most people have between brain and mouth is just completely missing with me. If I trust people then I'll just go right out and tell them everything. You may be reading this and thinking 'What on earth is so bad about honesty? Surely having no boundaries is a good way to make and sustain good, healthy friendships?'
I'll tell you what's so bad about not having any boundaries...
You can never keep track of who knows what. And I sit here now and just think WHY did I tell that person about that. Even though they may not mean to, it's only really a matter of time before one of the many people I have told accidentally brings it up at the wrong time or hints too much. Then suddenly my cover is blown. The game is over. The person finds out. And my world implodes.
One slight slip of the tongue could so easily cause a whole plethora of other issues for me.
Honesty hurts. And the worst part? I only have myself to blame.
Yes, I am feeling rather upset with myself right now.
My Safe Place...
There's a pile of half-read books on the desk.
There's a dusty clock...
...next to the abandoned bed.
Light reflects in the glass...
...from the shade that hangs above.
There's clean laundry hanging in rows.
Forgotten bunting lays scattered on the rug.
Creativity lays scrambled up in threads.
And in the middle of it all there sits a little girl.
Safe and sound amongst the chaos.
Monday 4 February 2013
He has a plan. But...
So I'm very happy for people in relationships. Those true-love, God-seeking, made-for-each-other kind of relationships are just amazing. However I do feel less thrilled for these couples, when I myself am not in one. As selfish as that sounds, that is the honest truth.
I'm also very happy with the idea and the truth that God has a plan for my life. This is what gives me hope day to day that I'm not going it alone and that I have an exciting future ahead.
What I am not feeling quite so happy about, is the timing of things. Right now, I just want to be in one of those amazing relationships. And yes, it's probably best to wait, because it's better to be single and wait for the right guy, than to constantly waste time with the wrong guys.
But today I just don't feel that at heart. I'm sad that I haven't found a guy that I can be 100% myself with. I'm sad that all the amazing guys I meet just aren't right for one reason or another... wrong age, already in a relationship, already married, not a Christian, geographically not suitable etc etc... And I know that this is God's way of saying that I need to wait for the right guy and that I just haven't met him yet (cue Michael Buble...).
Without sounding like a complete scrooge, the happiness of other people's relationships does just get wearing. Yes, it's fantastic news that one of my school friends has just got engaged. But why can't I be too?!
I know God has a perfect plan for my life, tailored to and for me. But today this just doesn't feel fair.
I'm also very happy with the idea and the truth that God has a plan for my life. This is what gives me hope day to day that I'm not going it alone and that I have an exciting future ahead.
What I am not feeling quite so happy about, is the timing of things. Right now, I just want to be in one of those amazing relationships. And yes, it's probably best to wait, because it's better to be single and wait for the right guy, than to constantly waste time with the wrong guys.
But today I just don't feel that at heart. I'm sad that I haven't found a guy that I can be 100% myself with. I'm sad that all the amazing guys I meet just aren't right for one reason or another... wrong age, already in a relationship, already married, not a Christian, geographically not suitable etc etc... And I know that this is God's way of saying that I need to wait for the right guy and that I just haven't met him yet (cue Michael Buble...).
Without sounding like a complete scrooge, the happiness of other people's relationships does just get wearing. Yes, it's fantastic news that one of my school friends has just got engaged. But why can't I be too?!
I know God has a perfect plan for my life, tailored to and for me. But today this just doesn't feel fair.
Tuesday 29 January 2013
The thing about glass walls...
I will be very honest and say now that I have virtually no self-control. This is also mixed with rather a large dose of impulsiveness. If I want chocolate, I eat it. If I want shoes, I buy them. If I want to text someone, I text them. If I want to say something, I say it. If I want a piercing, I get it (yes, I did get another piercing - no7 - this week and passed out in the shop... Mum, if you're reading, I'm sorry!). And generally there isn't much that will stop me from doing it. People suggest to me that maybe it isn't such a good idea and I wholeheartedly agree with them! But then I go and do it anyway...
With most things this is OK... Maybe I put on a little more weight, and get a few more holes made in my skin, but no-one gets hurts (well, apart from when I pass out), and life goes on.
However (you could see this coming), right now I am living behind a glass wall. This is dreadful and terrible and horrible and heart-breaking and world-crushing and soul-destroying and oh-so-challenging for many reasons...
1) There is a wall. Obvious? Yes. So you'd think I'd be more OK with it, right? But sadly every time I think I'm moving forward in the right direction, I smash my face into the wall and realise all over again that I can't and shouldn't go that way, however much my sinful desires may want to.
2) It's transparent. This means that, with full awareness of the fact I cannot reach whatever is behind the wall, I have to sit there, looking through it, having temptation flaunted around in all it's seeming perfection before me. So close, yet so endlessly out of reach.
3) It's glass. I know that the barrier is there for a reason and I know that I should be able to control myself. But that glass would just be so darn easy to break...
So now I must close my eyes and remember why the wall is there. Maybe it's there sort as a sort of test, but primarily it's there to keep people safe.
If I want God to guard my heart, then I need to be OK when he starts putting up boundaries. Because isn't that just what deep down I've asked him to do? Even though I may feel restricted, they're the very things that will protect and defend the essence of what God holds dear about me.
With most things this is OK... Maybe I put on a little more weight, and get a few more holes made in my skin, but no-one gets hurts (well, apart from when I pass out), and life goes on.
However (you could see this coming), right now I am living behind a glass wall. This is dreadful and terrible and horrible and heart-breaking and world-crushing and soul-destroying and oh-so-challenging for many reasons...
1) There is a wall. Obvious? Yes. So you'd think I'd be more OK with it, right? But sadly every time I think I'm moving forward in the right direction, I smash my face into the wall and realise all over again that I can't and shouldn't go that way, however much my sinful desires may want to.
2) It's transparent. This means that, with full awareness of the fact I cannot reach whatever is behind the wall, I have to sit there, looking through it, having temptation flaunted around in all it's seeming perfection before me. So close, yet so endlessly out of reach.
3) It's glass. I know that the barrier is there for a reason and I know that I should be able to control myself. But that glass would just be so darn easy to break...
So now I must close my eyes and remember why the wall is there. Maybe it's there sort as a sort of test, but primarily it's there to keep people safe.
If I want God to guard my heart, then I need to be OK when he starts putting up boundaries. Because isn't that just what deep down I've asked him to do? Even though I may feel restricted, they're the very things that will protect and defend the essence of what God holds dear about me.
Friday 25 January 2013
Expecting the Instantaneous
There are so many times in my life when I need or want something. Every day I come up with something new that I want or need, and get very adamant that I most definitely have to have. For example, here are things that I have wanted or needed, just in the last week...
- tattoo
- second ear piercings (I got these)
- belly-button pierced
- new jacket (£10 in H&M sale)
- long-sleeved tops (H&M again)
- more earrings (Accessorize)
- certain boy
- another certain boy
- any boy in general
- answer to where I'm going to uni next year
- lose weight
- children
- chocolate
- new shoes
And I'm sure there's a whole host of other things that I just can't remember right now.
Some of those things I could get my hands on immediately. Like I wanted some more stud earrings because someone has eaten all of mine (or I've lost them, but eating seems more likely) so I just walked up the high street and bought some.
Some things I kind of expected and was hoping that I'd have immediately, until I realised they're going to take time. And there's no way I can change that.
We live in a society where everything is about the now. We want it, so we must have it, and we must have it now. It can be fun to have moments like that, for example last night when a group of us were at the bar after our church student group, and wondered what it would be like to do a mix-up of fast food meals. So we went and did it. McDonalds and KFC didn't know what had hit them!
But that sense of immediacy is not something that really comes from the stories we read in the bible. It often takes many biblical characters days, weeks, months, years or even decades before they get what they want. Think of the many numbers of women in the bible who wait to have children. Or Noah waiting for rain. Or the Israelites who wait to get into the promised land. Or Abraham waiting for descendants. Or all the Jewish people who were waiting for Jesus to come.
When God promises something, He means it. This is fact. So if I truly believe in my heart that God has promised something to me, then that thing will appear in my life, in whatever form God may wish it to take, at some point. I have no control over when that may be, but I can know for absolute certainty that God will deliver.
The wait may feel painful, but it is also healthy. I often think that it's in times of desperation and longing for something that I really start to grow the most. When we find ourselves waiting for God to show up along with His sack full of promises, our faith can begin to deepen.
Friday 18 January 2013
My chosen superpower
I have often been asked the age-old question of 'If you could have a super power, what would it be?'. And my answer has always be the same. Mind-reading. Apparently this is absurd to many people, but here is my arguement why, if humanity ever evolves to the stage where the government allows us each one super-power, I will be choosing mind-reading and I think you should too...
1. Situations would become an awful lot clearer. Rather than wondering 'What are they thinking?', 'Is this what they want?', 'What's the best solution?', you can just hear everyone's thoughts, and make a judgement based on the honest opinions of everyone involved. This would be useful in issues of war and conflict.
2. Relatiosnhips would happen a lot faster. Boy would know what girl was thinking, girl would know what boy was thinking. It would either be a yes or a no, and then the situation could progress. It would cut all that 'He loves me, he loves me not' palava, as well as saving the lives of many innocent young flowers.
3. Medical situations would become ethically more sound. In cases such as abortion and euthanasia, it would be useful to include the opinion of the person involved, who may not always be able to give their opinion otherwise. This should make for a fairer decision in cases of ethical dilemmas.
4. It would make it so much easier to really help people if they were afraid to ask for something, but you could read what they were really needing, and then help them in a much more effective and practical way.
5. Who doesn't want to know how the minds of the opposite gender work?!
And this is what a day off work due to snow has done to me... Now to get sewing with Jimone. I think I'm starting a quilt, so there will most likely a post to follow if there are any good results!
Enjoy today!
1. Situations would become an awful lot clearer. Rather than wondering 'What are they thinking?', 'Is this what they want?', 'What's the best solution?', you can just hear everyone's thoughts, and make a judgement based on the honest opinions of everyone involved. This would be useful in issues of war and conflict.
2. Relatiosnhips would happen a lot faster. Boy would know what girl was thinking, girl would know what boy was thinking. It would either be a yes or a no, and then the situation could progress. It would cut all that 'He loves me, he loves me not' palava, as well as saving the lives of many innocent young flowers.
3. Medical situations would become ethically more sound. In cases such as abortion and euthanasia, it would be useful to include the opinion of the person involved, who may not always be able to give their opinion otherwise. This should make for a fairer decision in cases of ethical dilemmas.
4. It would make it so much easier to really help people if they were afraid to ask for something, but you could read what they were really needing, and then help them in a much more effective and practical way.
5. Who doesn't want to know how the minds of the opposite gender work?!
And this is what a day off work due to snow has done to me... Now to get sewing with Jimone. I think I'm starting a quilt, so there will most likely a post to follow if there are any good results!
Enjoy today!
Thursday 17 January 2013
I'm saying I care
As it says in my 'about me' page, I never want to lie on here.
And that's why today I'm telling you that as much as I try and convince myself that I don't care, that it doesn't matter, that I can put up with it, that it's not a major issue, and that I'll be happy either way... It's a lie.
I do care.
I care about everything.
I care that there are people that I don't talk to any more. I care that they won't reply to my texts. I care about the things that I've lost. I care about the things that I have yet to lose. I care about what people really want in their heart. I care about how people treat me. I care about what people think of me. I care what you think of me. I care about you.
I won't ever tell you that, but please don't act like you don't already know.
And that's why today I'm telling you that as much as I try and convince myself that I don't care, that it doesn't matter, that I can put up with it, that it's not a major issue, and that I'll be happy either way... It's a lie.
I do care.
I care about everything.
I care that there are people that I don't talk to any more. I care that they won't reply to my texts. I care about the things that I've lost. I care about the things that I have yet to lose. I care about what people really want in their heart. I care about how people treat me. I care about what people think of me. I care what you think of me. I care about you.
I won't ever tell you that, but please don't act like you don't already know.
Wednesday 16 January 2013
A sudden epiphany
So alongside my internship, I'm also doing some work towards two accredited theology modules. These modules are (in very simple terms) looking at the place of the church in the modern city.
One of the readings we had to do was Psalm 46, and then it just absolutely hit me. 'God is our Strength and Refuge' is my favourite hymn. Maybe it's because my Dad is military and the song is set to the Dam-busters theme tune, I'm not sure, but I just love it. It's that one where everyone knows it, and they all start singing, and there are all these massive organ moments and the congregation is just alive.
So I leave you with the very powerful, awe-inspiring, hope-filled words of Psalm 46, about a City which I will one day be a citizen of...
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear,
though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Come and see the works of the LORD, the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear, he burns the shields with fire.
"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.
(The italics are my favourite bits!)
Oh wow.
One of the readings we had to do was Psalm 46, and then it just absolutely hit me. 'God is our Strength and Refuge' is my favourite hymn. Maybe it's because my Dad is military and the song is set to the Dam-busters theme tune, I'm not sure, but I just love it. It's that one where everyone knows it, and they all start singing, and there are all these massive organ moments and the congregation is just alive.
So I leave you with the very powerful, awe-inspiring, hope-filled words of Psalm 46, about a City which I will one day be a citizen of...
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear,
though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Come and see the works of the LORD, the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear, he burns the shields with fire.
"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.
(The italics are my favourite bits!)
Oh wow.
Monday 14 January 2013
To those I have judged
I have a terrible habit. I'm a judger. Now I know they say that a lot of people do it, but I still don't think that that excuses me.
My main problem is when I judge someone who is close to me. Sometimes I feel like the person knows better than how they act. I feel like they're worth so much more than what they're doing, and they're allowing themselves to settle for a second-rate standard of living, when they were created for the best.
I love them so much that it hurts me to watch them make a mistake. But eventually what hurts me more, is my judgment that their mistakes are bigger than their place in my life and my heart. I no longer accept them as God does, because I feel like I know better and they need to change.
I allow my judgement to get in the way of more important things like love, gentleness and forgiveness.
These are the things that should be most important, and should be held above all other things, whether my judgement is correct or not.
Because when it comes down to it, I am no better. I may think that I'm better at the time and that I would never make the same mistakes. But I do, and I have.
I try and justify it because 'My situation was different' and 'It doesn't affect them anymore', but sin is sin.
We all mess up sometimes. I should know this.
So it comes to this point where I need to apologise, but time has moved on and I can no longer tell those people that I'm sorry. That every part of me is disgusted with myself for the way I behaved. That I wish I could take it all back. Not only the judgment, but also my hypocrisy.
I so wish we could talk about all this and I could learn to see you as a Child of God again. Still learning. Trying his best.
If you ever read this... I'm sorry.
My main problem is when I judge someone who is close to me. Sometimes I feel like the person knows better than how they act. I feel like they're worth so much more than what they're doing, and they're allowing themselves to settle for a second-rate standard of living, when they were created for the best.
I love them so much that it hurts me to watch them make a mistake. But eventually what hurts me more, is my judgment that their mistakes are bigger than their place in my life and my heart. I no longer accept them as God does, because I feel like I know better and they need to change.
I allow my judgement to get in the way of more important things like love, gentleness and forgiveness.
 |
| 'Clothe yourself in Compassion, Kindness, Humility, Gentleness, Patience, Forgiveness, bound together with Love.' ~ Thank you to Sarah for this beautiful picture based on Colossians 3:12 |
These are the things that should be most important, and should be held above all other things, whether my judgement is correct or not.
Because when it comes down to it, I am no better. I may think that I'm better at the time and that I would never make the same mistakes. But I do, and I have.
I try and justify it because 'My situation was different' and 'It doesn't affect them anymore', but sin is sin.
We all mess up sometimes. I should know this.
So it comes to this point where I need to apologise, but time has moved on and I can no longer tell those people that I'm sorry. That every part of me is disgusted with myself for the way I behaved. That I wish I could take it all back. Not only the judgment, but also my hypocrisy.
I so wish we could talk about all this and I could learn to see you as a Child of God again. Still learning. Trying his best.
If you ever read this... I'm sorry.
Friday 11 January 2013
My Bucket List
After a request from a reader to see this Bucket List I decided it was time to put it up. I am forever adding to it, so this is in no way conclusive, but this is where I'm at for now...
11. Live in a foreign country for at least 3 months (Lived in Belgium with my family for 3 years)
18. Stay up all night to watch the sun rise (Completed on the night of our school Leaver's Ball)
22. Become a Vegetarian for a month (Completed last year during Lent)
30. Do at least a month of volunteer work (I am currently spending my year as a volunteer)
41. Fall asleep in someone’s arms (Details not required, but yes, I have indeed done this)
61. Get 3 A grades at A-level (I finished school with AAAB)
65. Have a song written for me (Completed by my beautiful friends... it's called 'Waiting for Eve'!)
72. Knit a scarf (Knitted a snood for myself last Christmas)
1. Have Breakfast at Tiffany’s
2. Photograph a wedding
3. Be a bridesmaid
4. Have something of mine published (article, short story, poem etc)
5. Go scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef
6. Plan a wedding
7. Get baptized
8. Be a Godmother
9. Decorate my own house
10. Make a dress for myself
12. Be able to live with my body as intended in Eden (not be ashamed when naked)
13. Get a degree
14. Learn how to drive
15. Become fluent in French
16. Have my honeymoon planned for me
17. Spend a night under the stars on a beach
19. Go skinny-dipping at night
20. Learn how to ballroom dance (for my wedding!)
21. Become a mentor
23. See the Northern Lights
24. Live by myself for at least a month
25. Cook a full 5-course meal by myself
26. Have a pet tortoise named speed
27. Fall in love and land safely
28. Be able to call someone ‘my husband’
29. Send £100 to a random person
31. Have a 24-hour movie marathon
32. Fly first-class
33. Make a time capsule and bury it
34. Be a surrogate mother
35. Be in Times’ Square to see the New Year Ball drop
36. Walk in the Rainforest
37. Sleep in a hammock
38. Sleep on a waterbed
39. Get a vintage engagement ring
40. Get a personally engraved wedding ring
42. Go on a road trip
43. Be kissed in the rain
44. Take a shower in a waterfall
45. See a shooting star
46. Give birth
47. Go on a trip abroad with less than a day’s notice
48. Live without Internet for a month
49. Grow my own vegetables
50. Make a Quilt
51. Raise £1,000 for charity
52. Grow my hair down to my waist
53. Meet Switchfoot
54. Visit the Holy Land
55. Go fishing and make supper from whatever I catch
56. Read a book for 24 hours solid
57. Drive from one side of a country to the other in a day
58. Plant a tree
59. Ride a camel
60. Send a message in a bottle
62. Be a virgin when I marry
63. Be proposed to and say yes
64. Lead worship on guitar
66. Help bring someone to Christ
67. Help baptize someone
68. Write a novel
69. Do the number
70. Read the whole Bible
71. Complete the ‘Photo-a-day’ challenge
73. Laugh until I wet myself
74. Be an answer to prayer
75. Dig up the time capsule 10 years later
Several of these (16, 17, 19, 20, 27, 28, 37, 38, 39, 40, 42, 43, 44, 62, 63, and 69) can only be done, or would preferrably be done with a husband. But that doesn't stop me doing the others now!
I had a wonderful chat last night with some lovely people (this is also a little shout-out to a little reader... yes, Matt, that's you!) and they reminded me that sometimes it's ok to do things for me. I am spending my whole year volunteering as an intern, and even outside of that, I find myself living for other people's satisfactions and expectations. But I don't want to do that any more. From now on, I'm going to start working through this list and doing things because I want to.
Do you guys have things you really want to do in your life?
Sunday 6 January 2013
If only I could be Rapunzel...
To any man who may have somehow stumbled across my blog and now happens to be reading this post, my apologies. Because I have a feeling you're just not going to understand this.
I don't tend to get too up tight about the way I look. My weight you-yos a lot depending on what's going on in my life, and I'm ok with that, as long as my clothes still fit. Like all teenagers, my skin isn't perfect and, again, I'm ok with that. But the one thing that does get me is my hair.
It is a fact that we firmly established in my friendship group quite a while back: When you're not happy with how your hair is looking, your day CANNOT and WILL NOT go well. It's as simple as that.
As you can read in my earlier posts from a year or two ago, I had a phase of not using commercial shampoo or conditioner. I gave it up for lent originally, and then it became a big personal challenge. I can happily and proudly say that I lasted for 6 months and then simply couldn't take another day of having greasy hair that constantly needed tying back. I'm not massively into adventurous hairstyles every day, but the pony tail really was getting rather old.
Now as you're about to see in the terrible phone camera photo coming up, because my proper camera is not here at the moment, my hair isn't all that much.
My hair looks a little shorter there than it actually is. There is no polite way of saying where my hair comes down to, but um... yes, you get the idea.
I've never really done much with it. I've played around a little with fringes, partings and layers, but that's pretty much it. I died it once with semi-permanent colour then continued to use lemon juice and sit in the sunshine, turning my locks a delightful shade of gingery orange. Not quite the look I was going for.
Recently I have had a massive urge to dip-dye it. I love how hair looks with a caramelly-blonde tone coming in from underneath and I've got to the moment where I'm like 'Yes. Let's do this!' but then backed out for one reason or another. I think my biggest fear is the cutting bit.
It really shouldn't be that much of an issue, because I know it grows back, but I really really dislike getting my hair cut. I normally get it done about twice a year. Some of you may be horrified at that number, but it's true. Normally with enough conditioner I can hide the split ends and then no-one's crying because the lady in the salon cut off a foot when I asked for a centimetre....!
I love admiring people's hair (in a non-creepy way) when it's just so long and luscious and they look like Rapunzel and maybe one day my hair will look like that too... I'm working on it, believe me! It's on my bucket list to grow my hair to my waist.
So basically, I've decided that I'm not going to get a hair cut this year. There are so many things that I want to do on my bucket list but am going to have to wait for - the one about a wedding, for example! - but this is one that I want to start working on now. So here goes...!
I shall leave you with some of my major hair crushes...
So basically I just love Zooey Deschanel's look...!
I don't tend to get too up tight about the way I look. My weight you-yos a lot depending on what's going on in my life, and I'm ok with that, as long as my clothes still fit. Like all teenagers, my skin isn't perfect and, again, I'm ok with that. But the one thing that does get me is my hair.
It is a fact that we firmly established in my friendship group quite a while back: When you're not happy with how your hair is looking, your day CANNOT and WILL NOT go well. It's as simple as that.
As you can read in my earlier posts from a year or two ago, I had a phase of not using commercial shampoo or conditioner. I gave it up for lent originally, and then it became a big personal challenge. I can happily and proudly say that I lasted for 6 months and then simply couldn't take another day of having greasy hair that constantly needed tying back. I'm not massively into adventurous hairstyles every day, but the pony tail really was getting rather old.
Now as you're about to see in the terrible phone camera photo coming up, because my proper camera is not here at the moment, my hair isn't all that much.
My hair looks a little shorter there than it actually is. There is no polite way of saying where my hair comes down to, but um... yes, you get the idea.
I've never really done much with it. I've played around a little with fringes, partings and layers, but that's pretty much it. I died it once with semi-permanent colour then continued to use lemon juice and sit in the sunshine, turning my locks a delightful shade of gingery orange. Not quite the look I was going for.
Recently I have had a massive urge to dip-dye it. I love how hair looks with a caramelly-blonde tone coming in from underneath and I've got to the moment where I'm like 'Yes. Let's do this!' but then backed out for one reason or another. I think my biggest fear is the cutting bit.
It really shouldn't be that much of an issue, because I know it grows back, but I really really dislike getting my hair cut. I normally get it done about twice a year. Some of you may be horrified at that number, but it's true. Normally with enough conditioner I can hide the split ends and then no-one's crying because the lady in the salon cut off a foot when I asked for a centimetre....!
I love admiring people's hair (in a non-creepy way) when it's just so long and luscious and they look like Rapunzel and maybe one day my hair will look like that too... I'm working on it, believe me! It's on my bucket list to grow my hair to my waist.
So basically, I've decided that I'm not going to get a hair cut this year. There are so many things that I want to do on my bucket list but am going to have to wait for - the one about a wedding, for example! - but this is one that I want to start working on now. So here goes...!
I shall leave you with some of my major hair crushes...
So basically I just love Zooey Deschanel's look...!
Friday 4 January 2013
21
As you probably read about in A History of Love - Part 2 I have relatively recently gone through a break-up. Not a massive one, but enough for me to be a little shaken up, and need to start realigning who I am and what I'm really living for. I've decided 'up' is the answer to all these questions, but thought this probably needed a little more practical padding out.
During that low point after a break-up when the world is about to end, 'I am the most hideous person in the world', 'I will die alone', 'no-one will ever love me', 'give me chocolate', 'I hate rom-coms, but just can't stop watching them and sobbing for hours' etc etc, a friend put me in contact with another friend of his. I wasn't sure what exactly to expect when we met up, but it turns out she also volunteers where I'm an intern. Small world. She had a lot of awesome advice and a lot of things really struck me, but one of the key things was a little challenge.
Apparently if you do something for 21 days straight, then it becomes a habit. The moment she said it, I was hooked. With the busyness of Christmas and the holidays, however, I just haven't gotten round to starting a 21-day challenge yet.
So here it is. From now on, each month, I will be doing a 21-day challenge. I don't have any particular series of posts that I do on the blog yet (This is all about to change!) but seeing as it's a new year, I thought a new challenge would be very much in keeping with my word 'up'.
Each 21-day chunk will be challenging me to either make a good habit, break a bad one, start a new hobby or complete a project.
I've given this a lot of thought, as you may be able to tell, and here is the line-up so far.
Challenge 1: Bible (Read my bible every day)
Challenge 2: Greens (Eat my 5-a-day)
Challenge 3: Embroider (Learn how to do embroidery)
Challenge 4: Pray (Pray on my walk to work every morning)
Challenge 5: Instagram (Take an Instagram photo every day)
Challenge 6: Jumper (Knit a jumper)
Now I'm not promising daily updates on every challenge, I'm afraid, but I am aiming to post on days 1,3,7,14 and of course 21. That way you can have a good idea of how things are going without being bored to death with 'Today I ate an apple, a pear, a banana, some salad, and a carrot.' or 'Today I did 47 stitches.'(Please imagine someone saying them in a super boring nasally voice. It adds to the effect.) The only exception to this may be the Instagram Challenge, but we'll see how we go on that one.
I have now bought a very adorable Cupcake Calendar, so will shortly be marking off the days, hanging it on the wall, and beginning with the first challenge. Rest assured, I will let you know as soon as I begin!
Are there any new habits you want to make?
Old ones you want to break?
New hobbies or projects you want to start?
Start the 21-day challenge!
During that low point after a break-up when the world is about to end, 'I am the most hideous person in the world', 'I will die alone', 'no-one will ever love me', 'give me chocolate', 'I hate rom-coms, but just can't stop watching them and sobbing for hours' etc etc, a friend put me in contact with another friend of his. I wasn't sure what exactly to expect when we met up, but it turns out she also volunteers where I'm an intern. Small world. She had a lot of awesome advice and a lot of things really struck me, but one of the key things was a little challenge.
Apparently if you do something for 21 days straight, then it becomes a habit. The moment she said it, I was hooked. With the busyness of Christmas and the holidays, however, I just haven't gotten round to starting a 21-day challenge yet.
So here it is. From now on, each month, I will be doing a 21-day challenge. I don't have any particular series of posts that I do on the blog yet (This is all about to change!) but seeing as it's a new year, I thought a new challenge would be very much in keeping with my word 'up'.
Each 21-day chunk will be challenging me to either make a good habit, break a bad one, start a new hobby or complete a project.
I've given this a lot of thought, as you may be able to tell, and here is the line-up so far.
Challenge 1: Bible (Read my bible every day)
Challenge 2: Greens (Eat my 5-a-day)
Challenge 3: Embroider (Learn how to do embroidery)
Challenge 4: Pray (Pray on my walk to work every morning)
Challenge 5: Instagram (Take an Instagram photo every day)
Challenge 6: Jumper (Knit a jumper)
Now I'm not promising daily updates on every challenge, I'm afraid, but I am aiming to post on days 1,3,7,14 and of course 21. That way you can have a good idea of how things are going without being bored to death with 'Today I ate an apple, a pear, a banana, some salad, and a carrot.' or 'Today I did 47 stitches.'(Please imagine someone saying them in a super boring nasally voice. It adds to the effect.) The only exception to this may be the Instagram Challenge, but we'll see how we go on that one.
I have now bought a very adorable Cupcake Calendar, so will shortly be marking off the days, hanging it on the wall, and beginning with the first challenge. Rest assured, I will let you know as soon as I begin!
Are there any new habits you want to make?
Old ones you want to break?
New hobbies or projects you want to start?
Start the 21-day challenge!
Thursday 3 January 2013
The Itching
After my last post, I have started to itch. No, I do not have some ghastly rash going on. It's more of an internal, creative itch. I want to create.
As you probably saw in my last post, there are a gazillion things I want to get round to making with my new sewing machine, Jimone. And since then, I have thought of a gazillion more... Knitting needle case, anyone?!
But at the moment I'm unable to create like that. I'm staying at someone else's house and will be here until tomorrow. Then when I get home I have a tonne of stuff to pack before I head back for my internship on Monday. It being my birthday on monday, I also have things planned for that week, including catching up with lots of beautiful people.
Sometimes in life, we get the itch. That feeling that we want something so much that we just feel like we can't not have it anymore. We want to get started and get going, however impractical it may be. I get like this about so many things. But sometimes, I have to step back. Waiting is healthy. It means that hopefully I won't act on a whim. I won't start cutting into my beautiful fabric simply because I feel the need to make something. Instead, I will have considered that moment for so long that every snip will have purpose, and every stitch will be exactly in place.
Recently I keep hearing the phrase 'getting your ducks in a row'. I believe that sometimes we are asked to wait, because we're just not ready. We need to get our ducks in a row first and then when whatever it is actually arrives we will be so ready for it that it will be all the more wonderful.
I know this probably sounds far too deep about using a sewing machine - and possibly slightly psychotic - but it's how I've been feeling about a lot of things in my life at the moment. I may think I'm ready, but someone knows I'm not, and He has planned everything so perfectly that it is definitely worth the wait.
With that in mind, here is a song to encourage you if you too are itching and waiting...
While I'm Waiting - John Waller (Youtube Video)
I first heard this song when watching the film Fireproof. A film about waiting. Highly recommend this movie.
So what are you waiting for? Anything you can't stop itching over?
As you probably saw in my last post, there are a gazillion things I want to get round to making with my new sewing machine, Jimone. And since then, I have thought of a gazillion more... Knitting needle case, anyone?!
But at the moment I'm unable to create like that. I'm staying at someone else's house and will be here until tomorrow. Then when I get home I have a tonne of stuff to pack before I head back for my internship on Monday. It being my birthday on monday, I also have things planned for that week, including catching up with lots of beautiful people.
Sometimes in life, we get the itch. That feeling that we want something so much that we just feel like we can't not have it anymore. We want to get started and get going, however impractical it may be. I get like this about so many things. But sometimes, I have to step back. Waiting is healthy. It means that hopefully I won't act on a whim. I won't start cutting into my beautiful fabric simply because I feel the need to make something. Instead, I will have considered that moment for so long that every snip will have purpose, and every stitch will be exactly in place.
 |
| A photo a friend took of me several years ago and I just edited a little |
I know this probably sounds far too deep about using a sewing machine - and possibly slightly psychotic - but it's how I've been feeling about a lot of things in my life at the moment. I may think I'm ready, but someone knows I'm not, and He has planned everything so perfectly that it is definitely worth the wait.
With that in mind, here is a song to encourage you if you too are itching and waiting...
While I'm Waiting - John Waller (Youtube Video)
I first heard this song when watching the film Fireproof. A film about waiting. Highly recommend this movie.
So what are you waiting for? Anything you can't stop itching over?
Wednesday 2 January 2013
To create
'Create' was one of the words in close contention with 'up' to be my word of the year.
I got a beautiful new sewing machine for Christmas. The brand is Janome, so I have lovingly named him Jimone. He's coming back with me as I continue my internship after Christmas, and I plan to use him A LOT! There are so many things I want to sew and stitch this year. So I thought, what better way to be held accountable to my desires than to write it on here? Then you guys can all follow the ups and downs of attempting to create my first quilt, my first skirt, more clothing improvements, stitching on card etc etc.
So here is a little list of material-istic dreams (see what I did there?) for this year...
1. Make my first ever quilt. The fabric and batting is already cut and ready... just needs stitching together. Easier said than done, I fear.
2. Make a Skirt. I have several bits of fabric that I have been saving just for this purpose for over a year now. I just need to stop procrastinating and get to it!
3. Make greeting cards by sewing onto card. I love the little fabric designs you can make flat to stitch onto card, so it's high time I tried it out myself.
4. You know when you buy a piece of ribbon or something and think 'ooh that would look great on that top I have!'? This is my life. So I have lots of ribbons, and lots of ribbon-less tops. Now to do something about that.
5. I got some beautiful fabric for christmas that is begging to be made into something. I also have a round cushion that needs a cover. Oh wait a second! Oh yes... Could they go... together?! My match-making skills know no bounds. Watch out...!
6. Knit a jumper. This is the one I'm most scared about. This involves a pattern and I am terrible at using patterns. I don't use them for sewing, and I avoid recipes if at all possible for cooking. I prefer to be a 'free spirit' when it comes to making things. Mistakes are all put of the fun of it. However, a hole-y jumper is not much fun when you get a cold elbow and belly button.
7. Organise my craft things. My room is just a crafty person's dream, but also a terrible mess. There are bags of fabric, and tins of ribbons, and folders of cardstock, and boxes of buttons, and pots of pins and a million piles of pretty clothes labels or luggage tags or travel tickets which I save in the vain hope that I'll one day get round to making them into something. At least I'm hopeful, right? By the end of the year, I'm going to have a clear out, and be very realistic about what I'm actually going to use, and what I'm not.
Well seven seems like a nice number to end on. So there we are. My seven material-istic dreams. Can I do it? We're about to find out...!
I got a beautiful new sewing machine for Christmas. The brand is Janome, so I have lovingly named him Jimone. He's coming back with me as I continue my internship after Christmas, and I plan to use him A LOT! There are so many things I want to sew and stitch this year. So I thought, what better way to be held accountable to my desires than to write it on here? Then you guys can all follow the ups and downs of attempting to create my first quilt, my first skirt, more clothing improvements, stitching on card etc etc.
So here is a little list of material-istic dreams (see what I did there?) for this year...
1. Make my first ever quilt. The fabric and batting is already cut and ready... just needs stitching together. Easier said than done, I fear.
2. Make a Skirt. I have several bits of fabric that I have been saving just for this purpose for over a year now. I just need to stop procrastinating and get to it!
3. Make greeting cards by sewing onto card. I love the little fabric designs you can make flat to stitch onto card, so it's high time I tried it out myself.
4. You know when you buy a piece of ribbon or something and think 'ooh that would look great on that top I have!'? This is my life. So I have lots of ribbons, and lots of ribbon-less tops. Now to do something about that.
5. I got some beautiful fabric for christmas that is begging to be made into something. I also have a round cushion that needs a cover. Oh wait a second! Oh yes... Could they go... together?! My match-making skills know no bounds. Watch out...!
6. Knit a jumper. This is the one I'm most scared about. This involves a pattern and I am terrible at using patterns. I don't use them for sewing, and I avoid recipes if at all possible for cooking. I prefer to be a 'free spirit' when it comes to making things. Mistakes are all put of the fun of it. However, a hole-y jumper is not much fun when you get a cold elbow and belly button.
7. Organise my craft things. My room is just a crafty person's dream, but also a terrible mess. There are bags of fabric, and tins of ribbons, and folders of cardstock, and boxes of buttons, and pots of pins and a million piles of pretty clothes labels or luggage tags or travel tickets which I save in the vain hope that I'll one day get round to making them into something. At least I'm hopeful, right? By the end of the year, I'm going to have a clear out, and be very realistic about what I'm actually going to use, and what I'm not.
 |
| This is why I need to get back into being creative again. I took this photo for my A-level photography and it took forever to get. I had to sit by this flower for about 15 minutes. But it was so worth it! |
Well seven seems like a nice number to end on. So there we are. My seven material-istic dreams. Can I do it? We're about to find out...!
Tuesday 1 January 2013
Happy New Year
Now is a chance to break bad habits.
Now is a chance to start healthy patterns.
Now is a chance to loose old chains.
Now is a chance to live in new freedom.
Now is a chance to let go of the past.
Now is the time to move onwards and upwards.
Let's start as we mean to go on.
Enjoy the fresh start...
Now is a chance to start healthy patterns.
Now is a chance to loose old chains.
Now is a chance to live in new freedom.
Now is a chance to let go of the past.
Now is the time to move onwards and upwards.
Let's start as we mean to go on.
Enjoy the fresh start...
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