I will be very honest and say now that I have virtually no self-control. This is also mixed with rather a large dose of impulsiveness. If I want chocolate, I eat it. If I want shoes, I buy them. If I want to text someone, I text them. If I want to say something, I say it. If I want a piercing, I get it (yes, I did get another piercing - no7 - this week and passed out in the shop... Mum, if you're reading, I'm sorry!). And generally there isn't much that will stop me from doing it. People suggest to me that maybe it isn't such a good idea and I wholeheartedly agree with them! But then I go and do it anyway...
With most things this is OK... Maybe I put on a little more weight, and get a few more holes made in my skin, but no-one gets hurts (well, apart from when I pass out), and life goes on.
However (you could see this coming), right now I am living behind a glass wall. This is dreadful and terrible and horrible and heart-breaking and world-crushing and soul-destroying and oh-so-challenging for many reasons...
1) There is a wall. Obvious? Yes. So you'd think I'd be more OK with it, right? But sadly every time I think I'm moving forward in the right direction, I smash my face into the wall and realise all over again that I can't and shouldn't go that way, however much my sinful desires may want to.
2) It's transparent. This means that, with full awareness of the fact I cannot reach whatever is behind the wall, I have to sit there, looking through it, having temptation flaunted around in all it's seeming perfection before me. So close, yet so endlessly out of reach.
3) It's glass. I know that the barrier is there for a reason and I know that I should be able to control myself. But that glass would just be so darn easy to break...
So now I must close my eyes and remember why the wall is there. Maybe it's there sort as a sort of test, but primarily it's there to keep people safe.
If I want God to guard my heart, then I need to be OK when he starts putting up boundaries. Because isn't that just what deep down I've asked him to do? Even though I may feel restricted, they're the very things that will protect and defend the essence of what God holds dear about me.
This is so true! I am exactly the same! It's awful! How have you got 7 piercings though? I cant even imagine how you'd fit so many on - without getting studs along your forehead, and I can't imagine you have that!
ReplyDeleteWhat's behind the wall is the hardest thing to ignore, but you have summed it up very nicely. What are you restraining from?
xx
Well I have two in each lobe, plus I have my cartilage done but I had to have it redone because the first time closed over, and then I just got my belly button done... Also plans for more, but I think I may cool off for a little while to let the others heal and give my bank account a rest! :) But no forehead piercings, never fear!!
DeleteThank you! There are just quite a few things that I keep asking God for, but I know it is not the right season for right now. It's hard when they feel so close, but I know in my heart of hearts that it is not right, and it is not now! :) so glad you can relate though!
xx