The thing about glass walls...

I will be very honest and say now that I have virtually no self-control. This is also mixed with rather a large dose of impulsiveness. If I want chocolate, I eat it. If I want shoes, I buy them. If I want to text someone, I text them. If I want to say something, I say it. If I want a piercing, I get it (yes, I did get another piercing - no7 - this week and passed out in the shop... Mum, if you're reading, I'm sorry!). And generally there isn't much that will stop me from doing it. People suggest to me that maybe it isn't such a good idea and I wholeheartedly agree with them! But then I go and do it anyway...

With most things this is OK... Maybe I put on a little more weight, and get a few more holes made in my skin, but no-one gets hurts (well, apart from when I pass out), and life goes on.

However (you could see this coming), right now I am living behind a glass wall. This is dreadful and terrible and horrible and heart-breaking and world-crushing and soul-destroying and oh-so-challenging for many reasons...

1) There is a wall. Obvious? Yes. So you'd think I'd be more OK with it, right? But sadly every time I think I'm moving forward in the right direction, I smash my face into the wall and realise all over again that I can't and shouldn't go that way, however much my sinful desires may want to.

2) It's transparent. This means that, with full awareness of the fact I cannot reach whatever is behind the wall, I have to sit there, looking through it, having temptation flaunted around in all it's seeming perfection before me. So close, yet so endlessly out of reach.

3) It's glass. I know that the barrier is there for a reason and I know that I should be able to control myself. But that glass would just be so darn easy to break...

So now I must close my eyes and remember why the wall is there. Maybe it's there sort as a sort of test, but primarily it's there to keep people safe.

If I want God to guard my heart, then I need to be OK when he starts putting up boundaries. Because isn't that just what deep down I've asked him to do? Even though I may feel restricted, they're the very things that will protect and defend the essence of what God holds dear about me.

Expecting the Instantaneous

There are so many times in my life when I need or want something. Every day I come up with something new that I want or need, and get very adamant that I most definitely have to have. For example, here are things that I have wanted or needed, just in the last week...

• tattoo
• second ear piercings (I got these)
• belly-button pierced
• new jacket (£10 in H&M sale)
• long-sleeved tops (H&M again)
• more earrings (Accessorize)
• certain boy
• another certain boy
• any boy in general
• answer to where I'm going to uni next year
• lose weight
• children
• chocolate
• new shoes

And I'm sure there's a whole host of other things that I just can't remember right now.

Some of those things I could get my hands on immediately. Like I wanted some more stud earrings because someone has eaten all of mine (or I've lost them, but eating seems more likely) so I just walked up the high street and bought some.

Some things I kind of expected and was hoping that I'd have immediately, until I realised they're going to take time. And there's no way I can change that.

We live in a society where everything is about the now. We want it, so we must have it, and we must have it now. It can be fun to have moments like that, for example last night when a group of us were at the bar after our church student group, and wondered what it would be like to do a mix-up of fast food meals. So we went and did it. McDonalds and KFC didn't know what had hit them!

But that sense of immediacy is not something that really comes from the stories we read in the bible. It often takes many biblical characters days, weeks, months, years or even decades before they get what they want. Think of the many numbers of women in the bible who wait to have children. Or Noah waiting for rain. Or the Israelites who wait to get into the promised land. Or Abraham waiting for descendants. Or all the Jewish people who were waiting for Jesus to come.

When God promises something, He means it. This is fact. So if I truly believe in my heart that God has promised something to me, then that thing will appear in my life, in whatever form God may wish it to take, at some point. I have no control over when that may be, but I can know for absolute certainty that God will deliver.

The wait may feel painful, but it is also healthy. I often think that it's in times of desperation and longing for something that I really start to grow the most. When we find ourselves waiting for God to show up along with His sack full of promises, our faith can begin to deepen.

My chosen superpower

I have often been asked the age-old question of 'If you could have a super power, what would it be?'. And my answer has always be the same. Mind-reading. Apparently this is absurd to many people, but here is my arguement why, if humanity ever evolves to the stage where the government allows us each one super-power, I will be choosing mind-reading and I think you should too...

1. Situations would become an awful lot clearer. Rather than wondering 'What are they thinking?', 'Is this what they want?', 'What's the best solution?', you can just hear everyone's thoughts, and make a judgement based on the honest opinions of everyone involved. This would be useful in issues of war and conflict.

2. Relatiosnhips would happen a lot faster. Boy would know what girl was thinking, girl would know what boy was thinking. It would either be a yes or a no, and then the situation could progress. It would cut all that 'He loves me, he loves me not' palava, as well as saving the lives of many innocent young flowers.

3. Medical situations would become ethically more sound. In cases such as abortion and euthanasia, it would be useful to include the opinion of the person involved, who may not always be able to give their opinion otherwise. This should make for a fairer decision in cases of ethical dilemmas.

4. It would make it so much easier to really help people if they were afraid to ask for something, but you could read what they were really needing, and then help them in a much more effective and practical way.

5. Who doesn't want to know how the minds of the opposite gender work?!

And this is what a day off work due to snow has done to me... Now to get sewing with Jimone. I think I'm starting a quilt, so there will most likely a post to follow if there are any good results!

Enjoy today!

I'm saying I care

As it says in my 'about me' page, I never want to lie on here.

And that's why today I'm telling you that as much as I try and convince myself that I don't care, that it doesn't matter, that I can put up with it, that it's not a major issue, and that I'll be happy either way... It's a lie.

I do care.
I care about everything.

I care that there are people that I don't talk to any more. I care that they won't reply to my texts. I care about the things that I've lost. I care about the things that I have yet to lose. I care about what people really want in their heart. I care about how people treat me. I care about what people think of me. I care what you think of me. I care about you.

I won't ever tell you that, but please don't act like you don't already know.

A sudden epiphany

So alongside my internship, I'm also doing some work towards two accredited theology modules. These modules are (in very simple terms) looking at the place of the church in the modern city.

One of the readings we had to do was Psalm 46, and then it just absolutely hit me. 'God is our Strength and Refuge' is my favourite hymn. Maybe it's because my Dad is military and the song is set to the Dam-busters theme tune, I'm not sure, but I just love it. It's that one where everyone knows it, and they all start singing, and there are all these massive organ moments and the congregation is just alive.

So I leave you with the very powerful, awe-inspiring, hope-filled words of Psalm 46, about a City which I will one day be a citizen of...

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear,
though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Come and see the works of the LORD, the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear, he burns the shields with fire.
"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

(The italics are my favourite bits!)

Oh wow.

To those I have judged

I have a terrible habit. I'm a judger. Now I know they say that a lot of people do it, but I still don't think that that excuses me.

My main problem is when I judge someone who is close to me. Sometimes I feel like the person knows better than how they act. I feel like they're worth so much more than what they're doing, and they're allowing themselves to settle for a second-rate standard of living, when they were created for the best.

I love them so much that it hurts me to watch them make a mistake. But eventually what hurts me more, is my judgment that their mistakes are bigger than their place in my life and my heart. I no longer accept them as God does, because I feel like I know better and they need to change.

I allow my judgement to get in the way of more important things like love, gentleness and forgiveness.

'Clothe yourself in Compassion, Kindness, Humility, Gentleness, Patience, Forgiveness, bound together with Love.' ~ Thank you to Sarah for this beautiful picture based on Colossians 3:12

These are the things that should be most important, and should be held above all other things, whether my judgement is correct or not.

Because when it comes down to it, I am no better. I may think that I'm better at the time and that I would never make the same mistakes. But I do, and I have.

I try and justify it because 'My situation was different' and 'It doesn't affect them anymore', but sin is sin.

We all mess up sometimes. I should know this.

So it comes to this point where I need to apologise, but time has moved on and I can no longer tell those people that I'm sorry. That every part of me is disgusted with myself for the way I behaved. That I wish I could take it all back. Not only the judgment, but also my hypocrisy.

I so wish we could talk about all this and I could learn to see you as a Child of God again. Still learning. Trying his best.

If you ever read this... I'm sorry.

My Bucket List

After a request from a reader to see this Bucket List I decided it was time to put it up. I am forever adding to it, so this is in no way conclusive, but this is where I'm at for now...

1. Have Breakfast at Tiffany’s

2. Photograph a wedding

3. Be a bridesmaid

4. Have something of mine published (article, short story, poem etc)

5. Go scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef

6. Plan a wedding

7. Get baptized

8. Be a Godmother

9. Decorate my own house

10. Make a dress for myself

11. Live in a foreign country for at least 3 months (Lived in Belgium with my family for 3 years)

12. Be able to live with my body as intended in Eden (not be ashamed when naked)

13. Get a degree

14. Learn how to drive

15. Become fluent in French

16. Have my honeymoon planned for me

17. Spend a night under the stars on a beach

18. Stay up all night to watch the sun rise (Completed on the night of our school Leaver's Ball)

19. Go skinny-dipping at night

20. Learn how to ballroom dance (for my wedding!)

21. Become a mentor

22. Become a Vegetarian for a month (Completed last year during Lent)

23. See the Northern Lights

24. Live by myself for at least a month

25. Cook a full 5-course meal by myself

26. Have a pet tortoise named speed

27. Fall in love and land safely

28. Be able to call someone ‘my husband’

29. Send £100 to a random person

30. Do at least a month of volunteer work (I am currently spending my year as a volunteer)

31. Have a 24-hour movie marathon

32. Fly first-class

33. Make a time capsule and bury it

34. Be a surrogate mother

35. Be in Times’ Square to see the New Year Ball drop

36. Walk in the Rainforest

37. Sleep in a hammock

38. Sleep on a waterbed

39. Get a vintage engagement ring

40. Get a personally engraved wedding ring

41. Fall asleep in someone’s arms (Details not required, but yes, I have indeed done this)

42. Go on a road trip

43. Be kissed in the rain

44. Take a shower in a waterfall

45. See a shooting star

46. Give birth

47. Go on a trip abroad with less than a day’s notice

48. Live without Internet for a month

49. Grow my own vegetables

50. Make a Quilt

51. Raise £1,000 for charity

52. Grow my hair down to my waist

53. Meet Switchfoot

54. Visit the Holy Land

55. Go fishing and make supper from whatever I catch

56. Read a book for 24 hours solid

57. Drive from one side of a country to the other in a day

58. Plant a tree

59. Ride a camel

60. Send a message in a bottle

61. Get 3 A grades at A-level (I finished school with AAAB)

62. Be a virgin when I marry

63. Be proposed to and say yes

64. Lead worship on guitar

65. Have a song written for me (Completed by my beautiful friends... it's called 'Waiting for Eve'!)

66. Help bring someone to Christ

67. Help baptize someone

68. Write a novel

69. Do the number

70. Read the whole Bible

71. Complete the ‘Photo-a-day’ challenge

72. Knit a scarf (Knitted a snood for myself last Christmas)

73. Laugh until I wet myself

74. Be an answer to prayer

75. Dig up the time capsule 10 years later

Several of these (16, 17, 19, 20, 27, 28, 37, 38, 39, 40, 42, 43, 44, 62, 63, and 69) can only be done, or would preferrably be done with a husband. But that doesn't stop me doing the others now!

I had a wonderful chat last night with some lovely people (this is also a little shout-out to a little reader... yes, Matt, that's you!) and they reminded me that sometimes it's ok to do things for me. I am spending my whole year volunteering as an intern, and even outside of that, I find myself living for other people's satisfactions and expectations. But I don't want to do that any more. From now on, I'm going to start working through this list and doing things because I want to.

Do you guys have things you really want to do in your life?

If only I could be Rapunzel...

To any man who may have somehow stumbled across my blog and now happens to be reading this post, my apologies. Because I have a feeling you're just not going to understand this.

I don't tend to get too up tight about the way I look. My weight you-yos a lot depending on what's going on in my life, and I'm ok with that, as long as my clothes still fit. Like all teenagers, my skin isn't perfect and, again, I'm ok with that. But the one thing that does get me is my hair.

It is a fact that we firmly established in my friendship group quite a while back: When you're not happy with how your hair is looking, your day CANNOT and WILL NOT go well. It's as simple as that.

As you can read in my earlier posts from a year or two ago, I had a phase of not using commercial shampoo or conditioner. I gave it up for lent originally, and then it became a big personal challenge. I can happily and proudly say that I lasted for 6 months and then simply couldn't take another day of having greasy hair that constantly needed tying back. I'm not massively into adventurous hairstyles every day, but the pony tail really was getting rather old.

Now as you're about to see in the terrible phone camera photo coming up, because my proper camera is not here at the moment, my hair isn't all that much.

My hair looks a little shorter there than it actually is. There is no polite way of saying where my hair comes down to, but um... yes, you get the idea.

I've never really done much with it. I've played around a little with fringes, partings and layers, but that's pretty much it. I died it once with semi-permanent colour then continued to use lemon juice and sit in the sunshine, turning my locks a delightful shade of gingery orange. Not quite the look I was going for.

Recently I have had a massive urge to dip-dye it. I love how hair looks with a caramelly-blonde tone coming in from underneath and I've got to the moment where I'm like 'Yes. Let's do this!' but then backed out for one reason or another. I think my biggest fear is the cutting bit.

It really shouldn't be that much of an issue, because I know it grows back, but I really really dislike getting my hair cut. I normally get it done about twice a year. Some of you may be horrified at that number, but it's true. Normally with enough conditioner I can hide the split ends and then no-one's crying because the lady in the salon cut off a foot when I asked for a centimetre....!

I love admiring people's hair (in a non-creepy way) when it's just so long and luscious and they look like Rapunzel and maybe one day my hair will look like that too... I'm working on it, believe me! It's on my bucket list to grow my hair to my waist.

So basically, I've decided that I'm not going to get a hair cut this year. There are so many things that I want to do on my bucket list but am going to have to wait for - the one about a wedding, for example! - but this is one that I want to start working on now. So here goes...!

I shall leave you with some of my major hair crushes...

So basically I just love Zooey Deschanel's look...!

21

As you probably read about in A History of Love - Part 2 I have relatively recently gone through a break-up. Not a massive one, but enough for me to be a little shaken up, and need to start realigning who I am and what I'm really living for. I've decided 'up' is the answer to all these questions, but thought this probably needed a little more practical padding out.

During that low point after a break-up when the world is about to end,  'I am the most hideous person in the world', 'I will die alone', 'no-one will ever love me', 'give me chocolate', 'I hate rom-coms, but just can't stop watching them and sobbing for hours' etc etc, a friend put me in contact with another friend of his. I wasn't sure what exactly to expect when we met up, but it turns out she also volunteers where I'm an intern. Small world. She had a lot of awesome advice and a lot of things really struck me, but one of the key things was a little challenge.

Apparently if you do something for 21 days straight, then it becomes a habit. The moment she said it, I was hooked. With the busyness of Christmas and the holidays, however, I just haven't gotten round to starting a 21-day challenge yet.

So here it is. From now on, each month, I will be doing a 21-day challenge. I don't have any particular series of posts that I do on the blog yet (This is all about to change!) but seeing as it's a new year, I thought a new challenge would be very much in keeping with my word 'up'.

Each 21-day chunk will be challenging me to either make a good habit, break a bad one, start a new hobby or complete a project.

I've given this a lot of thought, as you may be able to tell, and here is the line-up so far.

Challenge 1: Bible (Read my bible every day)

Challenge 2: Greens (Eat my 5-a-day)

Challenge 3: Embroider (Learn how to do embroidery)

Challenge 4: Pray (Pray on my walk to work every morning)

Challenge 5: Instagram (Take an Instagram photo every day)

Challenge 6: Jumper (Knit a jumper)

Now I'm not promising daily updates on every challenge, I'm afraid, but I am aiming to post on days 1,3,7,14 and of course 21. That way you can have a good idea of how things are going without being bored to death with 'Today I ate an apple, a pear, a banana, some salad, and a carrot.' or 'Today I did 47 stitches.'(Please imagine someone saying them in a super boring nasally voice. It adds to the effect.) The only exception to this may be the Instagram Challenge, but we'll see how we go on that one.

I have now bought a very adorable Cupcake Calendar, so will shortly be marking off the days, hanging it on the wall, and beginning with the first challenge. Rest assured, I will let you know as soon as I begin!

Are there any new habits you want to make?
Old ones you want to break?
New hobbies or projects you want to start?

Start the 21-day challenge!

The Itching

After my last post, I have started to itch. No, I do not have some ghastly rash going on. It's more of an internal, creative itch. I want to create.

As you probably saw in my last post, there are a gazillion things I want to get round to making with my new sewing machine, Jimone. And since then, I have thought of a gazillion more... Knitting needle case, anyone?!

But at the moment I'm unable to create like that. I'm staying at someone else's house and will be here until tomorrow. Then when I get home I have a tonne of stuff to pack before I head back for my internship on Monday. It being my birthday on monday, I also have things planned for that week, including catching up with lots of beautiful people.

Sometimes in life, we get the itch. That feeling that we want something so much that we just feel like we can't not have it anymore. We want to get started and get going, however impractical it may be. I get like this about so many things. But sometimes, I have to step back. Waiting is healthy. It means that hopefully I won't act on a whim. I won't start cutting into my beautiful fabric simply because I feel the need to make something. Instead, I will have considered that moment for so long that every snip will have purpose, and every stitch will be exactly in place.

A photo a friend took of me several years ago and I just edited a little

Recently I keep hearing the phrase 'getting your ducks in a row'. I believe that sometimes we are asked to wait, because we're just not ready. We need to get our ducks in a row first and then when whatever it is actually arrives we will be so ready for it that it will be all the more wonderful.

I know this probably sounds far too deep about using a sewing machine - and possibly slightly psychotic - but it's how I've been feeling about a lot of things in my life at the moment. I may think I'm ready, but someone knows I'm not, and He has planned everything so perfectly that it is definitely worth the wait.

With that in mind, here is a song to encourage you if you too are itching and waiting...

While I'm Waiting - John Waller (Youtube Video)

I first heard this song when watching the film Fireproof. A film about waiting. Highly recommend this movie.

So what are you waiting for? Anything you can't stop itching over?

To create

'Create' was one of the words in close contention with 'up' to be my word of the year.

I got a beautiful new sewing machine for Christmas. The brand is Janome, so I have lovingly named him Jimone. He's coming back with me as I continue my internship after Christmas, and I plan to use him A LOT! There are so many things I want to sew and stitch this year. So I thought, what better way to be held accountable to my desires than to write it on here? Then you guys can all follow the ups and downs of attempting to create my first quilt, my first skirt, more clothing improvements, stitching on card etc etc.

So here is a little list of material-istic dreams (see what I did there?) for this year...

1. Make my first ever quilt. The fabric and batting is already cut and ready... just needs stitching together. Easier said than done, I fear.

2. Make a Skirt. I have several bits of fabric that I have been saving just for this purpose for over a year now. I just need to stop procrastinating and get to it!

3. Make greeting cards by sewing onto card. I love the little fabric designs you can make flat to stitch onto card, so it's high time I tried it out myself.

4. You know when you buy a piece of ribbon or something and think 'ooh that would look great on that top I have!'? This is my life. So I have lots of ribbons, and lots of ribbon-less tops. Now to do something about that.

5. I got some beautiful fabric for christmas that is begging to be made into something. I also have a round cushion that needs a cover. Oh wait a second! Oh yes... Could they go... together?! My match-making skills know no bounds. Watch out...!

6. Knit a jumper. This is the one I'm most scared about. This involves a pattern and I am terrible at using patterns. I don't use them for sewing, and I avoid recipes if at all possible for cooking. I prefer to be a 'free spirit' when it comes to making things. Mistakes are all put of the fun of it. However, a hole-y jumper is not much fun when you get a cold elbow and belly button.

7. Organise my craft things. My room is just a crafty person's dream, but also a terrible mess. There are bags of fabric, and tins of ribbons, and folders of cardstock, and boxes of buttons, and pots of pins and a million piles of pretty clothes labels or luggage tags or travel tickets which I save in the vain hope that I'll one day get round to making them into something. At least I'm hopeful, right? By the end of the year, I'm going to have a clear out, and be very realistic about what I'm actually going to use, and what I'm not.

This is why I need to get back into being creative again. I took this photo for my A-level photography and
it took forever to get. I had to sit by this flower for about 15 minutes. But it was so worth it!

Well seven seems like a nice number to end on. So there we are. My seven material-istic dreams. Can I do it? We're about to find out...!

Happy New Year

Now is a chance to break bad habits.
Now is a chance to start healthy patterns.
Now is a chance to loose old chains.
Now is a chance to live in new freedom.
Now is a chance to let go of the past.
Now is the time to move onwards and upwards.

Let's start as we mean to go on.

Enjoy the fresh start...